30 mar 2010
we (kassandra and i) arrived back home from our 9-day trip to three countries: czech republic, austria, and hungary. sooo much to tell and to show, over 2000 photos and unforgetable memories of our moments together in these beautiful places.
will go to bed for now. it's past midnight. it is already 1st of april, actually. we'll have three hectic days ahead. really, the bed is calling me.
muuuuch love :-)
kalina morena
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Sunday, 14 March 2010
o cartunista
14 mar 2010
esse cartum eh do Glauco, que foi morto em sao paulo juntamente com o filho, por um bandido que estava 'delirando' no momento do crime. e agora, hein? nao quero nem pensar no sujeito que fez essa coisa monstruosa no meu brasil onde a violencia nao diminui. eh tao assustador tudo isso.
o cartunista era uma pessoa muito do bem, um profissional criativo e respeitado e um pai de familia bacana, segundo palavras da enteada que o chamava de pai. uma estupidez dessa invade a vida das familias de bem e as desfaz e marca as pessoas pra sempre. eh tao dificil dizer qualquer coisa. eu so quero de qualquer forma comentar que todo o bem que o Glauco fez, toda a licao de paz e de respeito e de trabalho vai perdurar e nao tera sido em vao. tristeza confusa.
esse cartum eh do Glauco, que foi morto em sao paulo juntamente com o filho, por um bandido que estava 'delirando' no momento do crime. e agora, hein? nao quero nem pensar no sujeito que fez essa coisa monstruosa no meu brasil onde a violencia nao diminui. eh tao assustador tudo isso.
o cartunista era uma pessoa muito do bem, um profissional criativo e respeitado e um pai de familia bacana, segundo palavras da enteada que o chamava de pai. uma estupidez dessa invade a vida das familias de bem e as desfaz e marca as pessoas pra sempre. eh tao dificil dizer qualquer coisa. eu so quero de qualquer forma comentar que todo o bem que o Glauco fez, toda a licao de paz e de respeito e de trabalho vai perdurar e nao tera sido em vao. tristeza confusa.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
this singing soul of mine
11 mar 2010
this week was the time of our kitchen to be made available for us to use it again as its refurbishment was completed just last week. not it looks - and is, indeed - brand new, with new everything, and the seats located not acroos from it anymore but on its corner, with makes the area less noisy.
a few minutes later there comes christen, the american girl from atlanta. she is very nice, and this year she has a key position amongst us as a researcher, so she is the right person to head to movement for the tea and the whole 'research community' thing, as she named it. i spoke with her and she said the idea is great. she'll email eleanor and see what can be done for our shared kitchen and for us as a research community. cheers to christen!
some time later i went down the stairs with christen, towards the cafe. she went to meet with her friend for a chat. she pointed out that our study room - she is one of the new people there - is very quiet and that people over there don't make much noise at all. she said it is really a 'studious place'. she stayed forever in the the south corridor downstairs with her friend but they two eventually came back up to the office.
i stayed kinda late in the office today. hee came back to speak a little about her research. by the time we finished the chat, there comes christen and her friend back. hee and i were talking normally, no whispers needed because we were alone in the office. i went back to my desk and asked them (christen, friend, and hee): 'is it a problem if i sing?' in normal voice tone. all of them responded smiling: 'no'. i did not sing. instead i packed my stuff and got ready to leave. when i said 'bye, girls' they all asked about the promised singing, 'but you didn't sing'. oh that was cute!!! i laughed and explained to them they should not rush and allow me the singing. i told them about my life in florida, when i worked as a cleaner in a hotel in st.petersburg. it was a fantastic experience and i have nice memories of it. we went to the apartaments (it was a sort of apart hotel) in groups of four or five people. everytime i entered any room or started working - my cleaning area was the bedroom - i also started singing. it was soooo much fun because i couldn't help it. singing while slaving is a cultural thing in brazil. the point is everytime i started singing and the boss, this italian woman called carmela, was around she would say 'don't quit your daytime job'. she meant i sang so badly i would not be able to survive from my singing performance. what a cruelty!!! the girls laughed and then i sang a little of 'fly me to the moon', just to please them and keep up with my promise of the day.
this is this singing soul of mine.
life is almost back to normal in the office on the avenue campus. i provide the explanation: we spent about a month in PGR study room 1 because ours (room 4) was being refurbished. it is finished now and we are all back in our desks. well, not quite. we had so many changes that the office looks totally renewed in terms of people as well, actually. loads of students who were not there before are now part of it. and some who belonged there were then allocated other desks spread out in the archaeology building, in the cottage, or in one of the other study rooms right here along the corridor.
i had lunch with fatimah, my saudi friend, there today. as always, we chatted a lot about life and she told many interesting things about her culture. - in saudi arabia men are allowed to have four women at a time! this is the synthesis of our conversation of the day, i mean, the highlight, because we talked a great about our researches as well. we commented on how nervous we become when we have to make presentations and other sorts of things. fatimah is a great chat. susana, the big spanish woman came by the kitchen and we three we ended up talking about how new and nice the kitchen looks now and also that we should make all effort to keet it nice. the idea of collecting some money for washing up and tea bags and sugar and sweetener was considered. spanish woman left.
a few minutes later there comes christen, the american girl from atlanta. she is very nice, and this year she has a key position amongst us as a researcher, so she is the right person to head to movement for the tea and the whole 'research community' thing, as she named it. i spoke with her and she said the idea is great. she'll email eleanor and see what can be done for our shared kitchen and for us as a research community. cheers to christen!
some time later i went down the stairs with christen, towards the cafe. she went to meet with her friend for a chat. she pointed out that our study room - she is one of the new people there - is very quiet and that people over there don't make much noise at all. she said it is really a 'studious place'. she stayed forever in the the south corridor downstairs with her friend but they two eventually came back up to the office.
i stayed kinda late in the office today. hee came back to speak a little about her research. by the time we finished the chat, there comes christen and her friend back. hee and i were talking normally, no whispers needed because we were alone in the office. i went back to my desk and asked them (christen, friend, and hee): 'is it a problem if i sing?' in normal voice tone. all of them responded smiling: 'no'. i did not sing. instead i packed my stuff and got ready to leave. when i said 'bye, girls' they all asked about the promised singing, 'but you didn't sing'. oh that was cute!!! i laughed and explained to them they should not rush and allow me the singing. i told them about my life in florida, when i worked as a cleaner in a hotel in st.petersburg. it was a fantastic experience and i have nice memories of it. we went to the apartaments (it was a sort of apart hotel) in groups of four or five people. everytime i entered any room or started working - my cleaning area was the bedroom - i also started singing. it was soooo much fun because i couldn't help it. singing while slaving is a cultural thing in brazil. the point is everytime i started singing and the boss, this italian woman called carmela, was around she would say 'don't quit your daytime job'. she meant i sang so badly i would not be able to survive from my singing performance. what a cruelty!!! the girls laughed and then i sang a little of 'fly me to the moon', just to please them and keep up with my promise of the day.
this is this singing soul of mine.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
the glitter day. indeed
9 mar 2010
after so much glittering the glitter and life i was surprised to meet a whole bus packed with youngsters who had glitter all over. it is very good to be young and therefore free to just paint your face using whatever colour available in the rainbow, including any variety to it. they were all, i think, going to a party. what a noise they make. the girls are nearly naked in this chilly night. yes, sometimes it is hard to understand why people do what we do not do. i mean, i am fine with what they do, i have nothing exactly against it, but i think they are originally and naturally so much nicer and cute, i see no need to disguise.
the last part of this glitter day happened in the evening, on my way home from uni. i stayed in the hartley library until about 9pm. left the library and headed to the interchange to take my bus: either U1C or U2C. U2C came first. the young people i met in the bus, who normally look beautiful decide to paint their faces and bodies with different colours and faces of animals. i saw rabbits, cats, and pigs, to name some. and the outfits looked just as peculiar. well, it was the glitter day!!!
update on the morning of 10 mar 2010:
how could i forget to mention the main glitter of all? it was that i stayed at the hartley library for about five hours and i was highly productive in my readings and writings. i was happy with what i accomplish despite the system being down, this implying i had to dig for readings shelf by shelf since we had no webcat at that moment. i managed to find a good from modern languages and three interesting articles. i read them all and inserted ideas in my writing of the moment, which is the course plan for july. yey!!!
after so much glittering the glitter and life i was surprised to meet a whole bus packed with youngsters who had glitter all over. it is very good to be young and therefore free to just paint your face using whatever colour available in the rainbow, including any variety to it. they were all, i think, going to a party. what a noise they make. the girls are nearly naked in this chilly night. yes, sometimes it is hard to understand why people do what we do not do. i mean, i am fine with what they do, i have nothing exactly against it, but i think they are originally and naturally so much nicer and cute, i see no need to disguise.
the last part of this glitter day happened in the evening, on my way home from uni. i stayed in the hartley library until about 9pm. left the library and headed to the interchange to take my bus: either U1C or U2C. U2C came first. the young people i met in the bus, who normally look beautiful decide to paint their faces and bodies with different colours and faces of animals. i saw rabbits, cats, and pigs, to name some. and the outfits looked just as peculiar. well, it was the glitter day!!!
update on the morning of 10 mar 2010:
how could i forget to mention the main glitter of all? it was that i stayed at the hartley library for about five hours and i was highly productive in my readings and writings. i was happy with what i accomplish despite the system being down, this implying i had to dig for readings shelf by shelf since we had no webcat at that moment. i managed to find a good from modern languages and three interesting articles. i read them all and inserted ideas in my writing of the moment, which is the course plan for july. yey!!!
more on glitter
9 mar 2010
after the bank i spent some time working, ops, listening to youtube music (Diana Krall and more on jazz) at the Law building, where there is a great workstation. i stayed there until the uni system went dead.
i then headed to here, the Hartley Library and had a cup of filter coffee (the cheapest one) with a brownie. well, i ordered the coffee and brownie and gave the guy at the till a coin which for me was a 2-pound coin. i then moved towards the coffee place to help myself. the till guy comes to tell me i actually had given him a money which was not pounds. he kept looking around the nice little coin and said it was a 'real' and finally got to the conclusion it was brazilian money. i apoligised and gave him real pound :-) he said it was ok, not a problem and we kept chatting for a little while. he asked for my brazilian coin. he wanted to see it again and said he found it beautiful. i decided to offer him the piece. i said 'you can keep it'. he was happy and accepted the coin. he said next time he'll pay me a cup of coffee. it could not be today anymore because he had already registered it. at this time we were already speaking portuguese, he with a portuguese accent and i with my brazilian trace in the language. he asked my name. his is carlos.
what a glittery afternoon. and to think i was not so certain about leaving the house in the cold 7-degree afternoon. oh my! it was worth everything, afterall.
after the coffee i went to first level on hartly to find some Linguistics journals. i did find some material and worked on my research for about two hours. you know what, i am happy. i am now planning to come more often to this library and spend time here. i was just sitting in one of those tables on the very back where you only have a computer if you bring your own. i had not brought mine and the system was down anyway, but it was good to concentrate on the readings and on writing some for a while. yey!
after the bank i spent some time working, ops, listening to youtube music (Diana Krall and more on jazz) at the Law building, where there is a great workstation. i stayed there until the uni system went dead.
i then headed to here, the Hartley Library and had a cup of filter coffee (the cheapest one) with a brownie. well, i ordered the coffee and brownie and gave the guy at the till a coin which for me was a 2-pound coin. i then moved towards the coffee place to help myself. the till guy comes to tell me i actually had given him a money which was not pounds. he kept looking around the nice little coin and said it was a 'real' and finally got to the conclusion it was brazilian money. i apoligised and gave him real pound :-) he said it was ok, not a problem and we kept chatting for a little while. he asked for my brazilian coin. he wanted to see it again and said he found it beautiful. i decided to offer him the piece. i said 'you can keep it'. he was happy and accepted the coin. he said next time he'll pay me a cup of coffee. it could not be today anymore because he had already registered it. at this time we were already speaking portuguese, he with a portuguese accent and i with my brazilian trace in the language. he asked my name. his is carlos.
what a glittery afternoon. and to think i was not so certain about leaving the house in the cold 7-degree afternoon. oh my! it was worth everything, afterall.
after the coffee i went to first level on hartly to find some Linguistics journals. i did find some material and worked on my research for about two hours. you know what, i am happy. i am now planning to come more often to this library and spend time here. i was just sitting in one of those tables on the very back where you only have a computer if you bring your own. i had not brought mine and the system was down anyway, but it was good to concentrate on the readings and on writing some for a while. yey!
the glittering glitter
09 mar 2010
i just stopped by my bank (my bank, not yours hehehehe) to ask to change my solo debit card for a visa one, as people say the visa card has more credibility.
well, i started speaking with the bank lady meant to help on the issue and she was quite formal, with no time or space for a smile. well, i decided make a simple comment on her nails: 'your nails look fantastic. awesome'. after that she turned herself into an all-over-body smile and said she only passed glitter on them because she likes her nails to look tidy. we indeed became high school gals and chat a good deal about nails, bank cards, travelling, and - guess what!!! men, of course!!! i asked her if i am going to receive my new bank card before i travel on the 21st of march and she said 'yes', and that it would be for sure. she then asked where i am heading to. i said: prague, viena, bratislava, and budapest. to each city i mentioned she showed a nice surprise and said it is all fantastic. she said prague is the city of the single men, that all the single men go there. i said that's why i am going, too.
see? a simple glitter glittering a whole day, and it did not cost me a thing to acknowledge how nice her nails look :-)
i just stopped by my bank (my bank, not yours hehehehe) to ask to change my solo debit card for a visa one, as people say the visa card has more credibility.
well, i started speaking with the bank lady meant to help on the issue and she was quite formal, with no time or space for a smile. well, i decided make a simple comment on her nails: 'your nails look fantastic. awesome'. after that she turned herself into an all-over-body smile and said she only passed glitter on them because she likes her nails to look tidy. we indeed became high school gals and chat a good deal about nails, bank cards, travelling, and - guess what!!! men, of course!!! i asked her if i am going to receive my new bank card before i travel on the 21st of march and she said 'yes', and that it would be for sure. she then asked where i am heading to. i said: prague, viena, bratislava, and budapest. to each city i mentioned she showed a nice surprise and said it is all fantastic. she said prague is the city of the single men, that all the single men go there. i said that's why i am going, too.
see? a simple glitter glittering a whole day, and it did not cost me a thing to acknowledge how nice her nails look :-)
warming up
9 mar 2010
it seems like things are starting to improve around here. 2 degrees today. there is hope, afterall. i am not going to uni just now. will stay home a bit longer today and read in bed although i feel like listening to music only.my sister will arrive here in the 18th. when she came last year it was chilly. we visited paris and amsterdam and both places were just chilly. i hope we are luckier this time and meet better winds in prague, vienna, and budapest.
in the meantime i prepared myself a good cup of tea and enjoy some jazz. this is how i start my days, every day. :-) music is inebriating, and healing.
Monday, 8 March 2010
a chilly march indeed?
8 mar 2010
i have realized the cold is far from leaving us. my hopes for the warmth of march is fading away as it feels more like we're having 'waters of march'. the rain, the wind, the need for a warm outfit and for a glass of wine :-) do tell me cold is here to stay. by the way, every year they say it feels colder. the world is upside down. why is it cold like this where i am? cold and damp, that's what is not nice. but it should be fine. i am not that unhappy. i just want to register the cold aspect of life here, but i am ok.
Friday, 5 March 2010
the wintery march?
5 mar 2010
it is even colder now that at the beginning of the month. this cold weather is very limiting of the things i do. even for a walk in the i don't feel highly inclined to go. it is chilly. actually, it is freezing cold and the wind only does make matters worse.
i can't wait to put winter clothes away and feel lighter. i am getting ready to go highfield campus, wherei teach today in about two hours, but i wish sooo bad it were not that cold. yes, the cold is a problem for me.
i can't wait to put winter clothes away and feel lighter. i am getting ready to go highfield campus, wherei teach today in about two hours, but i wish sooo bad it were not that cold. yes, the cold is a problem for me.
Monday, 1 March 2010
a chilly month ahead
1 mar 2010
it is already the beginning of march, but the cold is still around. this is second march here. last year it represented the hope for warmer days here in southampton. so, when it was very cold early this year i lived on the hope for the month which would warm my days up. my sister is about to come for a visit and i started to wonder what sort of weather will greet her :-)
chilly, chilly days. -3 now. at least the days are now brighter and longer. this is the first manifestation of spring, the renewal of life.
chilly, chilly days. -3 now. at least the days are now brighter and longer. this is the first manifestation of spring, the renewal of life.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
domingo no parque
28 Feb 2010
I like to name my posts after songs. This is why sometimes the title of the post's language and the language of post itself don’t match; but, trust me, there is always a meaningful connection between them all.
I went for a nice walk in the Common at about 9 o’clock this morning. When I woke up it was raining, not really a heavy rain, but wet enough to make me change my mind. However, not much later it stopped raining and I decided to go. It was so good. I am little by little becoming familiar with the park. I like it when I go and I see many people over there. There are people of all – all – ages, both alone and accompanied by all sorts of company: (a) dog(s), whole family, beloved ones, little children.
Once in a while it is possible to for us people at the park to exchange warm ‘good mornings’, along with a smile. In this sense there are two categories of people: the ones who greet you and these are the ones I love; and the others who ignore you’re around. This morning something interesting happened: I entered the park at the same time as this old couple did, in a way we walked together with me being ahead of them about two minutes, but I knew all the time they were there. Well, the park has many roads that I can follow and I decided to come back half through towards the road the lead to the Cowherds. I don’t know exactly why I did this. When I turned to come back and passed by the old couple the man smiled and asked me “are you giving up?” I found it so cute. I smiled back to him and said: “well, sort of, but not exactly, just going another way”. Later on (15 minutes later) we met again at the end of the same road, but I was coming a different way.
I believe if I go often and at about the same time I will get to meet the same people sometimes and perhaps make friends. The walking has made me feel very good about myself. I walked for 45 – 50 minutes today.
Once again I need to go shopping for fruits and milk but don’t feel like it. I was thinking I needed it so bad I didn’t have food in the house to eat for lunch. Then I thought it was not possible that I had no food at all. I went to the kitchen and found still some good stuff for my lunch: a salad with stuffed zucchini, hearts of palm, olive oil, and some veggies: Chinese leek, cauli flower, and broccoli. To accompany the salad I had pasta with green pesto sauce, mushroom and a little bit of cream cheese. It was quite good and I still have some left over in the fridge for other meal.
Note: I thought I was going to speak about the walk in the park only in the post. For this reason I did not take any photo of the food. :-)
Sunday, 14 February 2010
happy valentine's day
14 Feb 2010
Lola came by my room today to offer me this slice of Swiss roll as today is Valentine’s Day. Lola is my flatmate from Nigeria. She is studying a master’s degree in Health Sciences. This special day is celebrated in Brazil in a different way. There, only the ones who have a ‘significant other’ have a good reason to celebrate and enjoy the date, which is in fact on the 12th of June. Here, on the other hand, as well as in the US, it is celebrated on the 14th of February and your valentine can be not only a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but anyone who matters to you. When I lived in the US I received chocolates hearts from friends and even cards. It is sweet, and fattening
Valentine’s day
Saturday, 13 February 2010
o caminho
12 feb 2010
Nota: essa eh uma foto antiga do Junior, tio Machado, tia Nenzinha, e Eliane. Tia Nenzinha me ensinou a fazer tapecaria, como essa que esta na tela na parede.
Saudades do meu tio Machado, saudades da minha tia Nenzinha, saudades do meu primo Juca. Eu estou precisando demais escrever aqui sobre despedidas mas nao sei nem por onde começar.
Hoje ja falei com a minha querida prima e comadre Eliane algumas vezes. Eu liguei pra ela porque a Kassandra me avisou que o tio Machado faleceu hoje de tarde. O tio Machado eh pai dela, e irmao do meu pai. Fiquei conversando besteira, com rodeios, sem coragem de dar a noticia, sem coragem nenhuma, querendo que essa noticia nao existisse, mas ela ainda nem era verdade pra cumade, que ficou conversando normalmente comigo e me dizendo que ha tres dias nao tinha noticias do pai dela. Eu comecei a insistir pra ela ligar pro povo la, pras irmas dela ou pra quem quer que ela goste de ligar sempre. O sorriso leve dela sumiu de vez e fizemos um silencio que confirmou o que ela temia. E choramos ali. A gente chora e se consola mutuamente, mas sabe que doi dizer adeus a quem nos ama. Eu chorei muito dizendo que nao queria nunca ser eu a pessoa pra lhe dar a noticia que, apesar de ‘esperada’, sempre nos tira o chao.
A Morte (feminina) é maior que nosso exercito possa suportar. Quando chega, é ela quem decide se dormimos ou não, se choramos ou não. Ela determina nosso rumo, pelo menos nos momentos que se seguem à sua chegada na vida da gente.
A cumade insistiu pra eu não me preocupar nem um pouco, que na verdade ela estava feliz de ter sido comigo esse contato, e me pediu pra ligar pro pessoal no Brasil e avisar que ela ja estava sabendo de tudo. Eu liguei e falei com a Euridice, nossa Dinda. De novo chorei junto com a Dinda, e relembramos outro momento de tristeza grande recente, que foi a morte do Junior, filho do tio Machado, que morreu no dia 4 de outubro de 2009.
To achando essa escrita e esse post todo tão sem sentido, tão sem rumo, uma escrita confusa, mas tenho que tirar essas coisas de mim, porque não consigo parar de chorar.
Liguei pra Kassandra e ela me disse que estavam lá providenciando o velorio. Combinamos que ela me daria um sinal quando estivesse do lado do papai no funeral. Eu estou pensando no meu pai o tempo todo. Eu liguei pra casa dele mas o telefone so dá ocupado lá. Assim fizemos e eu finalmente falei com meu pai. Meu tio Machado tinha 80 anos. Meu pai tem 74 anos. Os dois eram muito próximos. Outro dia a Kassandra foi com a mamãe visitar o tio Machado no hospital e o moço lá disse: “seu Joaquim vem visitar ele todo dia”. Seu Joaquim é meu pai. Foi tão bom falar com o papai. Ele estava tão sereno e me consolando. Eu sou mesmo um lixo. Toda vez eu telefono pro povo pra dar um apoio e o povo é que me conforta. Ainda mais essa. Ali tambem falei com meu tio Toinho e com a prima Lourdinha. Todos eles me disseram que está tudo sob controle la e que eu fique bem. A Lourdinha me pediu pra dar apoio à Eliane.
O tio Machado tava sofrendo muito, ja há muitos dias no hospital, e numa situação muito delicada e irreversivel. O famoso ‘descanso’ eh o recurso de que dispomos nessas ocasiões pra podermos viver a despedida. A cumade me disse que tá se sentindo completamente solta, sem chão, sem céu. A mãe dela, tia Nenzinha, morreu faz um tempo já. Tia Nenzinha, Henrique (meu irmão) e Junior estão enterrados no mesmo tumulo no cemiterio em Teresina.
Me sinto tão estranha escrevendo sobre isso. Eu tinha esbocado um post quando o Junior morreu e ele tá pronto, basicamente com os emails trocados àquela época, mas ainda não tive coragem de publica-lo. Esse agora tá aqui. O blog não precisa ser apenas de flores de alegrias. Se eu falo que ele traduz minha vida, minha vida hoje é de tristeza pela despedida do meu tio.
A cumade Elaine me disse tanta coisa da alma dela, conversando serenamente ao telefone. Me falou que esse amor de pai pra filha encerrou hoje. Nunca mais ela vai ve-lo, e isso é muito ruim, e falou da perda da mãe, e da perda do Junior e falamos como ainda é dificil pra nós todos ‘digerir’ essa historia do Junior. Me contou da alegria de ver o tio Machado quando ela foi ao Brasil em outubro e de como ele ficou feliz com a presença das filhas e das conversas felizes e fotos otimas que tiraram na visita. Tudo se transforma em lembrança de um momento que nao pode ser repetido.
Pois é, parei de chorar agora. A vida exige leveza e testa nossa fé nesses momentos. Vou rezar por meu tio e tenho certeza de que ele vai fazer uma viagem serena.
Nota: essa eh uma foto antiga do Junior, tio Machado, tia Nenzinha, e Eliane. Tia Nenzinha me ensinou a fazer tapecaria, como essa que esta na tela na parede.
Saudades do meu tio Machado, saudades da minha tia Nenzinha, saudades do meu primo Juca. Eu estou precisando demais escrever aqui sobre despedidas mas nao sei nem por onde começar.
Hoje ja falei com a minha querida prima e comadre Eliane algumas vezes. Eu liguei pra ela porque a Kassandra me avisou que o tio Machado faleceu hoje de tarde. O tio Machado eh pai dela, e irmao do meu pai. Fiquei conversando besteira, com rodeios, sem coragem de dar a noticia, sem coragem nenhuma, querendo que essa noticia nao existisse, mas ela ainda nem era verdade pra cumade, que ficou conversando normalmente comigo e me dizendo que ha tres dias nao tinha noticias do pai dela. Eu comecei a insistir pra ela ligar pro povo la, pras irmas dela ou pra quem quer que ela goste de ligar sempre. O sorriso leve dela sumiu de vez e fizemos um silencio que confirmou o que ela temia. E choramos ali. A gente chora e se consola mutuamente, mas sabe que doi dizer adeus a quem nos ama. Eu chorei muito dizendo que nao queria nunca ser eu a pessoa pra lhe dar a noticia que, apesar de ‘esperada’, sempre nos tira o chao.
A Morte (feminina) é maior que nosso exercito possa suportar. Quando chega, é ela quem decide se dormimos ou não, se choramos ou não. Ela determina nosso rumo, pelo menos nos momentos que se seguem à sua chegada na vida da gente.
A cumade insistiu pra eu não me preocupar nem um pouco, que na verdade ela estava feliz de ter sido comigo esse contato, e me pediu pra ligar pro pessoal no Brasil e avisar que ela ja estava sabendo de tudo. Eu liguei e falei com a Euridice, nossa Dinda. De novo chorei junto com a Dinda, e relembramos outro momento de tristeza grande recente, que foi a morte do Junior, filho do tio Machado, que morreu no dia 4 de outubro de 2009.
To achando essa escrita e esse post todo tão sem sentido, tão sem rumo, uma escrita confusa, mas tenho que tirar essas coisas de mim, porque não consigo parar de chorar.
Liguei pra Kassandra e ela me disse que estavam lá providenciando o velorio. Combinamos que ela me daria um sinal quando estivesse do lado do papai no funeral. Eu estou pensando no meu pai o tempo todo. Eu liguei pra casa dele mas o telefone so dá ocupado lá. Assim fizemos e eu finalmente falei com meu pai. Meu tio Machado tinha 80 anos. Meu pai tem 74 anos. Os dois eram muito próximos. Outro dia a Kassandra foi com a mamãe visitar o tio Machado no hospital e o moço lá disse: “seu Joaquim vem visitar ele todo dia”. Seu Joaquim é meu pai. Foi tão bom falar com o papai. Ele estava tão sereno e me consolando. Eu sou mesmo um lixo. Toda vez eu telefono pro povo pra dar um apoio e o povo é que me conforta. Ainda mais essa. Ali tambem falei com meu tio Toinho e com a prima Lourdinha. Todos eles me disseram que está tudo sob controle la e que eu fique bem. A Lourdinha me pediu pra dar apoio à Eliane.
O tio Machado tava sofrendo muito, ja há muitos dias no hospital, e numa situação muito delicada e irreversivel. O famoso ‘descanso’ eh o recurso de que dispomos nessas ocasiões pra podermos viver a despedida. A cumade me disse que tá se sentindo completamente solta, sem chão, sem céu. A mãe dela, tia Nenzinha, morreu faz um tempo já. Tia Nenzinha, Henrique (meu irmão) e Junior estão enterrados no mesmo tumulo no cemiterio em Teresina.
Me sinto tão estranha escrevendo sobre isso. Eu tinha esbocado um post quando o Junior morreu e ele tá pronto, basicamente com os emails trocados àquela época, mas ainda não tive coragem de publica-lo. Esse agora tá aqui. O blog não precisa ser apenas de flores de alegrias. Se eu falo que ele traduz minha vida, minha vida hoje é de tristeza pela despedida do meu tio.
A cumade Elaine me disse tanta coisa da alma dela, conversando serenamente ao telefone. Me falou que esse amor de pai pra filha encerrou hoje. Nunca mais ela vai ve-lo, e isso é muito ruim, e falou da perda da mãe, e da perda do Junior e falamos como ainda é dificil pra nós todos ‘digerir’ essa historia do Junior. Me contou da alegria de ver o tio Machado quando ela foi ao Brasil em outubro e de como ele ficou feliz com a presença das filhas e das conversas felizes e fotos otimas que tiraram na visita. Tudo se transforma em lembrança de um momento que nao pode ser repetido.
Pois é, parei de chorar agora. A vida exige leveza e testa nossa fé nesses momentos. Vou rezar por meu tio e tenho certeza de que ele vai fazer uma viagem serena.
Friday, 12 February 2010
abre alas pra minha folia
12 February 2010
Carnival
I just realized that these are carnival days in Brazil. I believe I try not to be connected with events which are very different from here because they show me that I am in a different world. This is, at times, slightly disturbing to me.
Another thing I just became aware of, and which always make me feel heartbreaking is that today is the 12th of February. Well, the day after tomorrow – the 14th Feb – my brother Henrique would turn 49 if he hadn’t passed away at age 28. See, too bad. Maybe I have been away from this blog because sometimes the free writing leads me to pain, not to join.
Well, let’s try and come back to carnival. I don’t remember have been a super carnival enthusiast, but it is very obvious that the beauty, the joy and the good energy that it makes us all feel in Brazil these days is contagious. I like to dance, to watch the wonderful parade in Rio, to see the carnival aficionado people who fully stop leading a serious life to devote these days to, just as seriously, let go of imagination, freedom, joy, opportunity for redemption, really. I find it so healing. Honestly, going to the streets to dance and play along with your peers dressed up in whatever disguise you think fit your mood that year can only be great.
Pernambuco, particularly Recife and Olinda have a fantastic tradition of putting an enormous number of people in the streets. These people remain there for soooo many hours, standing and dancing. Yes, it ought to be a soul cleansing and spiritual development ritual. Olinda has those giant dolls, of which I used to be very afraid. The maracatu, the frevo, and the other many peculiar traces of the local history are indeed very good to see.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
in a cold state of mind
From: Mitchell R.F.
Sent: 10 February 2010 18:00
To: Lima K.S.D.
Subject: RE: Can we cancel our session?
Poor Kalina, I am so sorry you are in such discomfort!
Let's aim to meet next week - I could do most afternoons, how about Thursday 18th at 3 p.m.?
Ros
________________________________________
From: Lima K.S.D.
Sent: 10 February 2010 16:01
To: Mitchell R.F.
Subject: Can we cancel our session?
Hi Ros,
Can we please cancel our session tomorrow? I've had a very bad cold with allergy, a running nose, headache, and can barely hear from left ear since last week. Both ears are infected. I went to the clinic yesterday and am now taking antibiotics which i hope will make me feel better. But i feel very tired and weak. Actually I don't remember any illness that has made me feel pain in my teeth. The ear infection is making me feel dizzy at times, and when I go out I keep sneezing all the time. I even have conjunctivites. I can't come, Ros. Sorry.
Thanks,
Kalina
Saturday, 30 January 2010
abracadabra
saturday 30 jan 2010
Rod offered me a cup of tea in this nice tea mug, all white at first sight. he warned me that the mug was going to turn darker and darker as i finished my tea because it was going to normally be colder. i thought he was not serious, and went on enjoying my tea. it turns out the mug did get darker, and in the end it was so fast i almost couldn't register in photos the color changing. what an interesting coffee mug! not recommended for children below five years of age. :-)
Friday, 29 January 2010
the award
29 Jan 2010
Nora came to my room this afternoon to offer me a slice of cake she bought to celebrate the award she just received from her department. Her supervisor had told her she would receive this award if she studied hard enough to get outstanding marks, which she did. She was quite happy to succeed and I think it is always great to find a way to officially celebrate the achievements. When we do this we sort of have a powerful file in our mind, one of being happy and knowing that the work pays off. I was very happy for her. I know how hard it is to be away from home and still have to manage hard work from school and endless other challenges we encounter here quite often.
Nora is my flatmate. She is a nice, hardworking student from mainland China. She is studying engineering. What she always tells me she’s studying sounds very difficult for me to even think about what this is.
Her supervisor also invited her, along with other two classmates, to travel together to attend a conference in Dundee, Scotland. She was so excited about the trip. I told her that if her supervisor has offered her such great opportunities the only reason is that he sees in her the good student the good professors hope to find in their classrooms. During this trip to Scotland she mentioned to him she is considering applying for the PhD programme here at the University of Southampton. He said that if she applies for the PhD he will do everything he can to find her a scholarship, even though he cannot promise her she’ll get one. That was great and she came back from trip very enthusiast about the conference, the trip, and about applying for the PhD programme.
Nora is my flatmate. She is a nice, hardworking student from mainland China. She is studying engineering. What she always tells me she’s studying sounds very difficult for me to even think about what this is.
Her supervisor also invited her, along with other two classmates, to travel together to attend a conference in Dundee, Scotland. She was so excited about the trip. I told her that if her supervisor has offered her such great opportunities the only reason is that he sees in her the good student the good professors hope to find in their classrooms. During this trip to Scotland she mentioned to him she is considering applying for the PhD programme here at the University of Southampton. He said that if she applies for the PhD he will do everything he can to find her a scholarship, even though he cannot promise her she’ll get one. That was great and she came back from trip very enthusiast about the conference, the trip, and about applying for the PhD programme.
Friday, 8 January 2010
a neve que cai e a cidade que para
(o texto desse post eh um email enviado a minha irma kassandra)
8 jan 2010
a universidade vai fechar, de novo. fica bem dificil mesmo o dia. que sensacao ruim. a gente TEM que ficar em casa. to incomodada com essa dificuldade de se movimentar pra qualquer esquina. ta um horror mesmo pensar que os onibus param, mudam a rota, a gente cai (hoje passei por uma moca e 'ops' ela me disse que ja tinha caido duas vezes so hoje. eu ainda nao levei nenhuma queda, mas ando com muita dificuldade, devagar, e com medo. e com um monte de coisas pra fazer.
eh o povo dizendo pra gente se abastecer de coisas e ficar em casa. se abastecer de que??? nem sei o que comprar, na verdade. vou ver se arrumo meu quarto e faco os servicos que tenho que fazer e pronto. torca por nos, pra essa previsao ser so excesso de precaucao deles, porque a neve demais deixa o servico pessimo por varios dias depois, principalmente para pedestre como eu, que nao ando na rua principal, e sim nas calcadas e na floresta, com gelo espelhado escorregadio. andar pela rua eh igualmente perigoso, porque os carros se arrastam e precisam driblar da gente. juro que to estressada. nem to achando nada bonito.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxxx@xxxxx
Sent: 08 January 2010 15:52
To: xxxx@xxxxx
Subject: FW: MONDAY 11 JANUARY 2010
Importance: High
Dear All,
Unfortunately, due to the predicted adverse weather conditions for Sunday night into Monday morning the University has taken the decision to close on Monday 11 January.
Please keep checking your emails and SUSSED for further updates during the weekend and on Monday. Every effort will be made to get the university re-opened on Tuesday.
Thank you for your anticipated co-operation during this period.
With best wishes,
Eleanor
Dr. Eleanor Quince,
Postgraduate Research Coordinator,
School of Humanities,
Avenue Campus
University of Southampton,
SO17 1BJ
http://www.soton.ac.uk/hpgr
8 jan 2010
a universidade vai fechar, de novo. fica bem dificil mesmo o dia. que sensacao ruim. a gente TEM que ficar em casa. to incomodada com essa dificuldade de se movimentar pra qualquer esquina. ta um horror mesmo pensar que os onibus param, mudam a rota, a gente cai (hoje passei por uma moca e 'ops' ela me disse que ja tinha caido duas vezes so hoje. eu ainda nao levei nenhuma queda, mas ando com muita dificuldade, devagar, e com medo. e com um monte de coisas pra fazer.
eh o povo dizendo pra gente se abastecer de coisas e ficar em casa. se abastecer de que??? nem sei o que comprar, na verdade. vou ver se arrumo meu quarto e faco os servicos que tenho que fazer e pronto. torca por nos, pra essa previsao ser so excesso de precaucao deles, porque a neve demais deixa o servico pessimo por varios dias depois, principalmente para pedestre como eu, que nao ando na rua principal, e sim nas calcadas e na floresta, com gelo espelhado escorregadio. andar pela rua eh igualmente perigoso, porque os carros se arrastam e precisam driblar da gente. juro que to estressada. nem to achando nada bonito.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxxx@xxxxx
Sent: 08 January 2010 15:52
To: xxxx@xxxxx
Subject: FW: MONDAY 11 JANUARY 2010
Importance: High
Dear All,
Unfortunately, due to the predicted adverse weather conditions for Sunday night into Monday morning the University has taken the decision to close on Monday 11 January.
Please keep checking your emails and SUSSED for further updates during the weekend and on Monday. Every effort will be made to get the university re-opened on Tuesday.
Thank you for your anticipated co-operation during this period.
With best wishes,
Eleanor
Dr. Eleanor Quince,
Postgraduate Research Coordinator,
School of Humanities,
Avenue Campus
University of Southampton,
SO17 1BJ
http://www.soton.ac.uk/hpgr
Thursday, 7 January 2010
2010 is in the air - what now?
thursday 7 jan 2010
i don't think i am fully connected to this new year yet. not been long ago we were thinking about the turn of the century. everyone was talking about year 2000. now it is 2010. i am so confused!! or lazy?? a bit of both.
the truth is i am slow and struggling with this freezing cold winter in england. this has been a nightmare for me to step out of the house or to walk anywhere. you oughta keep the faith, otherwise. . .
my birthday was yesterday. it felt a little weird to keep it really quiet at home. none of my flatmates knew about it, only internet contacts and personal life people. am i too old now for little celebrations? or have i gotten to the point that it really doesn't matter whether i have a birthday party or not? i am quite certain all i want is to be in good health and to know that the ones who are precious to me are all fine and safe. i know that the most important point for me now.
cheers to 2010!!!!
kalina
i don't think i am fully connected to this new year yet. not been long ago we were thinking about the turn of the century. everyone was talking about year 2000. now it is 2010. i am so confused!! or lazy?? a bit of both.
the truth is i am slow and struggling with this freezing cold winter in england. this has been a nightmare for me to step out of the house or to walk anywhere. you oughta keep the faith, otherwise. . .
my birthday was yesterday. it felt a little weird to keep it really quiet at home. none of my flatmates knew about it, only internet contacts and personal life people. am i too old now for little celebrations? or have i gotten to the point that it really doesn't matter whether i have a birthday party or not? i am quite certain all i want is to be in good health and to know that the ones who are precious to me are all fine and safe. i know that the most important point for me now.
cheers to 2010!!!!
kalina
Sunday, 6 December 2009
meu brasil brasileiro
6 dec 2009
8.28 in the morning now. i am finishing up with packing before i catch the coach to go to london healthrow airport terminal 4 to catch my tam flight to sao paulo to then catch another flight to fortaleza to finally be in another tam flight to teresina - home at last!
i don't even really know what i'm feeling right now. since i finished teaching on friday i've been sort of entering in a new 'layer' of existence, as it is my plan to take things easy on me from now on. the nuffield theater with diana was an excellent starting point for all this. saturday and today i still feel very much occupied with lots of administrative things to do, about both the trip and my research. however, i do want new life, new mode, new energy in the very inside of me.
until almost 2o'clock in the morning of this very sunday 6 december i was sending documents to people here and in brasil concerning this data collection / the research, which is work that requires full concentration. still, i want to see and feel it all pretty much under new perspectives from now on: lighter, more joyful, and fulfilling.
now i have to finish up packing. at times i wonder if i have forgotten something. i'm afraid i have )-: but let's hope it is just my ordinary worry, and that it should not be confirmed as such.
Me aguarde, meu Brasil lindo e colorido e caloroso e alegre e de amor e de abracos e beijnhos e carinhos sem ter fim. . . chega de saudade!!! (obrigada Joao Gilberto)
Kalina Morena
8.28 in the morning now. i am finishing up with packing before i catch the coach to go to london healthrow airport terminal 4 to catch my tam flight to sao paulo to then catch another flight to fortaleza to finally be in another tam flight to teresina - home at last!
i don't even really know what i'm feeling right now. since i finished teaching on friday i've been sort of entering in a new 'layer' of existence, as it is my plan to take things easy on me from now on. the nuffield theater with diana was an excellent starting point for all this. saturday and today i still feel very much occupied with lots of administrative things to do, about both the trip and my research. however, i do want new life, new mode, new energy in the very inside of me.
until almost 2o'clock in the morning of this very sunday 6 december i was sending documents to people here and in brasil concerning this data collection / the research, which is work that requires full concentration. still, i want to see and feel it all pretty much under new perspectives from now on: lighter, more joyful, and fulfilling.
now i have to finish up packing. at times i wonder if i have forgotten something. i'm afraid i have )-: but let's hope it is just my ordinary worry, and that it should not be confirmed as such.
Me aguarde, meu Brasil lindo e colorido e caloroso e alegre e de amor e de abracos e beijnhos e carinhos sem ter fim. . . chega de saudade!!! (obrigada Joao Gilberto)
Kalina Morena
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