in an easter state of mind (?)

24 apr 2011

Easter Mass at St Edmund's Church, 24 apr 2011

 i went to the Easter Mass today at 11am at St Edmund's Church, my local Catholic church, which is a 7-minute walk from where i live. i have been alone for about four days now. this has made me enter into an introspective mode, sometimes it is as if i am not here. at church today it was clear to me that my mind was elsewhere. it was quite intriguing and fascinating to observe myself becoming distracted from the Father's sermon and everything else that was going on around me. i felt as if i were in a bubble, isolated from the other people from church,  and my thoughts had only room for my brother Venicio, who is in brazil.

every time i visit a historical place, an old building, an old church (any new church around?), or i see any important piece of art i think of venicio and my thinking is that he should be there in my place. i must say i appreciate art and history just as much, i really do, but am not as knowledgeable as he is regarding these things. this was the first excuse that came to my mind about my absence of mind at church, but in reality it goes beyond this obvious association. it is sunday Easter today and i feel sad for being alone and so far away from my family. venicio came to my mind only as a token for my connection with my family. he was sort of floating around in my thoughts for quite a while. parallel thoughts were of the many great easter days we've had as a family in brazil, there included spending the whole day together, eating the best food (always some cod made to an original portuguese recipe that my sister kassandra masters so well) plus the chocolate eggs and the warmth that cannot be translated into words. i am crying now. thank God i did not cry at church.

the venicio thinking was gone for a moment and i then thought i was doing good, for i had been there for a long while and still very patient and relaxed. what a strange state of mind. what happened to me? when we were to light our candles i lit mine and offered to light three other people's candles. for this i received some grateful and sweet smiles, from the three men i helped out plus two ladies. these were smiles that warmed up my heart.

i was not exactly back and forth in my 'elsewhere' mood, but i was never totally present to the church service today. towards the end of the mass the Father said everyone would go home with an Ester egg, which was to be distributed on our way out. my heart jumped and i thought to myself: 'life is fair afterall'. i felt like going home at that very moment. nobody gave me an easter egg this year, which is not bad at all, truth be told. i was at once filled with hope, anyway. my hopes did not last long. on my way out i shoke hands with the Father, who said 'Happy Easter'. he had a basket with some small easter eggs in it. i asked for mine and he said i would have to be wearing shorts to have one. he should have made it clear the eggs were meant for the kids only. i felt like saying, 'nice to meet you, my name is frustration.' it was kinda obvious that the church could not give eggs to everyone, as we were such a crowd. whatever! i decided i deserved easter eggs and bought myself one from nestle and one from guylian, the belgian chocolate.

i came home and cooked and ate, but i don't want to write about it now. the day is finished and it was nice that in the afternoon i went for a walk at the common and it helped me relax. my walks at the common are magic. after the walk i was sitting on a bench for a while. there was a funfare at the park today, together with the predictable crowd it always attracts, especially in a gorgeous spring day like today. i am now in a scarlet o'hara mood: 'tomorrow is another day'. but i am fine, much better than it may look like from the post. i called brazil and spoke with my mom, my sister kassandra and my nephew joaquim. i tried to reach venicio but his landline phone might be out of order or something. well, couldn't find my brother who occupied my thinking today at church. i feel ready for the coming week.

how was your Easter? how have you been these past days? please, tell me tell me :-)

com o sentido la

20 apr 2010

meu pai

to com o sentido no meu Pai, o tempo todo. alias, faz dias que esse pensamento me faz companhia. nem sei direito oque dizer primeiro. ele fez uns exames pre operatorios, pra uma hernia inguinal que doi muito e que precisa ser operada e parece que vai ser agora. agora mas nao sei se nessa semana mesmo, porque ele ta muito fraco. ele, e a kassandra confirmou, me disse que estava muito fraco, assustador. ele tem quase 75 anos de idade, precisa de cuidado dobrado, inclusive pra poder enfrentar doencas e uma cirurgia.

liguei pra ele faz pouco tempo. ele estava sozinho em casa, e me falou que esta bem, que esta muito melhor, se recuperando bem e comendo bem e se sentindo bem. ele sempre me da essas noticias bem positivas. a conversa nao foi muito facil porque eu ligo do computador e nao sei se eh por isso, mas ele teve dificuldade de me entender ou escutar e ta com um pouco de dificuldade de falar com ritmo normal. pronto, basta esse prato pra me ocupar a alma e me deixar angustiada.

a decisao de ir estudar, morar, passar uma temporada longe da familia eh uma decisao que so pode ser entendida no momento da experiencia. a gente nunca imagina que vai sofrer agonias e dias dificeis, quando gostaria de estar por perto pra poder ficar junto. tanta coisa ja aconteceu em teresina na minha ausencia . . . o mundo continua girando, e eu me sinto presa aos limites naturais da minha situacao atual. rezar alivia bastante e traz uma serenidade, mas eu to mesmo eh triste e preocupada. eh isso.

eu pensava que escrever ia me ajudar a entender o que ando sentindo e me aliviar da preocupacao (eu sempre querendo sofrer menos) mas isso nao aconteceu. to aqui, e tenho em mim so perguntas. um evento desencadeia outros e ai vai ficando maior. mas tudo ta sob controle e se Deus quiser meu Pai vai ser operado e se recuperar bem e em breve. um abraco bem grande pra ele nesse minuto.

‘every day is a winding road’

30 nov 2009

We had a particularly tough morning today because the wind was very strong. The rain was no big deal, but insistent. It was a very cold morning, of four degrees only. I walked to Highfield, bought myself a cup of coffee and went to the law building to work. My umbrella was falling apart in harmony with the wind, which blows everything away.

I finished work and stopped by the uni shop to buy blank dvds and an umbrella, now a navy blue one. It was freezing cold and windy outside. I got some money from the cash point by the uni shop and this girl in the queue was shivering of cold. I had no choice but to enter susu building to equip myself: put on scarf, hat, and gloves, this big operation to face the not so unpredictable British weather: yes, it is not going to be so nice, at least not for long.

Well, i ended up getting late for a meeting with Jo. She was going to talk to me about the writing teaching that we do here in the programme. We ended up meeting later on, after 12 o’clock, as I had some ‘emergencies’: I needed to call Dorothy and we talked for a while.

Here is another emergency: I was walking towards my office (after the phone call) when Mariko approached me with such a sad face. It was to tell me that George Blue, our very nice and friendly George Blue, died this past Friday. He had been operated on a few weeks before and, as far as I knew, was recovering really well. According to Rob, it was a triple bypass heart surgery. He was my friend Buk’s supervisor. Buk had told me he was recovering ok, doing short walks, and Buk even visited him in his house one or two weeks ago. I knew he was seeing his students and talking for no longer than a half hour, but that he would be able to be back to work in January in full capacity. Well, the man passed away, apparently while sleeping, but I have no details.

And there I stayed in the corridor, talking with Mariko for a long time, we both in shock for such a sad end for our Blue. She had watery eyes, I could see it. It was interesting, because she insisted in being there with me for this long while in the corridor, as if she needed it, to talk, to share, to express sadness, and maybe – maybe – to understand all this. Mariko invited me to come down to the canteen at 12.30 to have lunch with her and Rob.