onde anda voce?

26 apr 2010

(post originado de um email a uma amiga. apenas a parte que fala de mim esta aqui, por razoes obvias)

vou tentar eu fazer assim: ler, estudar, sem pensar muito e so fazer, ja que minha situacao eh preocupante, inclusive o fato de que meu tesao pelo meu estudo nesse momento mora em endereco incerto e nao sabido. como posso entao expedir mandado de intimacao? heheheh agora deu vontade de escrever um post sobre isso. mas tenho visto o blog quase como escape perigoso. pense no tilte na cabeca )-:

estou tendo uma dificuldade colossal de amar de novo, me parece. quando falo da minha pesquisa nas conversas e nas apresentacoes os comentarios sao sempre felizes e me trazem de volta aos trilhos que eu escolhi e de que gosto muito, mesmo. mas ando lenta, com muito e com nada na mente. o alivio, bem estranho, eh que quando compartilho essa sensacao com alguem ouco que o mesmo se da a todos. ja ouvi muito que um doutorado deixa qualque um doido. a pressao eh incalculavel, indizivel em palavras. deve ser como parir, ou amar.

viver. dancar. olhar. amar. como pode cada coisa implicar o outro e ainda assim ser tao unica, tao pessoal?

off track

15 nov 2009 - sunday 1.39pm - avenue campus

i have been off track, basically. this is probably the most honest statement i utter in the last few weeks. now i am swamped with work, desperate because of deadlines, and feeling unproductive. this is a thesis statement of my text today, a synthesis of the whole situation.

i have made some decisions that would apparently help me keep focused in my main purpose here in uk, which is to carry out my phd research. that has been the truth, however. it all started over the summer and the situation has been going on and on and on. i need to understand it at least so that i can think of doing something about it.

for the summer i found a wonderful, rewarding, job. it was rewarding in various aspects: academically and professionally because it dealt exactly with my passion for writing and for academic life in general. so, being part of a team that was set up to help prepare international students for their academic life here was without a doubt superb, of course even helping myself in the same terms. it was also quite handy, actually, this job was a life saver, because the pay went directly to my fees here at uni.

but but but . . . the work did not stop after 10 weeks. i was very very glad i had the chance to teach the extra two weeks, but i now wonder if i did the right thing. i need to find time for my academic work here. and i have not done this lately. ros is very angry at me. i don't understand it all, as it gives me the feeling she doesn't trust me, but in a way she is right. if i had not had so much distraction from my research i would probably be in better shape concerning my plans to Brazil, for instance.

"living word"

from yesterday - 20 Oct 2009

the acude grande - Campo Maior - PI, Brazil

this is about our meeting yesterday from the group 'Living word'. It was our second meeting this school year. This time we had five more students coming along for the meeting. so nice to realize that the rain didn't sahy people away from coming to have this moment of quiet and peace.

Because it was at Catherine and Liliana's place, we took shoes off as we entered the house. This is actually very common around here and i find it cool for it helps keep the house quite clean. The house was by the way suuuper clean. So, we sat together in the lounge and started talking friendly, very nice atmosphere. i saw the people i had met the week before and also had a chance to meet new people, such as this Nigerian guy whose name insists in not sticking in my mind, this Brazilian guy who was adopted by a Maltese family and would love to visit Brazil at some point in his life and to speak Portuguese.

We are from both Solent University and the University of Southampton. Each week one university plans wht we do in our meeting. Yesterday was Solent's day. I like this a lot because it gives equal opportunity for the different uni guys to plan something they / we find interesting. We started off by singing two songs, with Liliana playing the guitar. I loved it. Liliana is in charge of the Solent Uni students whereas Catherine looks after us from the Uni of Southampton. I tried to concentrate in the words of the songs (church tunes) and to listen to the voices of the group singing together. It did feel good. The tunes were followed by a reading from the Bible - Luke 19, 1-10, about Jesus and Zachaeus. The guy who read studies performance and is an actor. He's got such a strong voice. He read the passage and made some comment about it. I honestly did not pay much attention to it. I think the opennes of having him read and make a comment might mean that in the future each one of us, or at least the ones interested in, can do the same.

Liliana then said a few words, making a connection with our talk from the previous week, which was about the reasons to pray, and then we had some quiet moment for individual prayer. this time anyone could speak up and say whom or why we should pray for. i remained quiet but my thoughts and my prayer were all devoted to a colleague of ours here at uni, who died about two days ago now. I will omit her name here because the most important thing for me now is that we reflect about death and why it happens sometimes when it should not have happened really. I thought, really did, of asking us to pray for her but held my piece because i was a bit insecure about the reception of the group on the terms of how her death happen: she committed suicide.

I remember when I was a child in Campo Maior, Northeast Brazil, one day I was told the Catholic church would not ring the church bells for the people who committed suicide. I remember not understanding it quite well, and finding it not so fair. It was a tradition at that time for the church to ring the bell to announce people's death in the city, so that everyone would know somebody died. I reproduced this practice yesterday, when i neglected my colleague of having the group have her in mind while praying. I did and i still do feel bad about it, in spite of my prayers having been devoted to her, for her to find peace.

My sweet Dorothy made a comment about suicide, saying that it is very sad when people make this choice thinking this is the only way out of any terrible situation when in fact there are various possibilities, always. I am left with my prayers.

- i picked a saying from the hand out we got yesterday:

"Prayer in my opinion is nothing else than a close sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with Him who we know loves us." St. Teresa of Jesus

Living word - 'what's the point of prayer?'

Sunday 18 October 2009

........CATHOLIC SOCIETY
........dear all,a summary of what's on this week Cathsoc wise...

TUESDAY: 7.30pm at Chaplaincy we'll be beginning the 'Living Word' group.. an informal time of reflection and faith sharing together.. the theme for the first evening will be 'what's the point of prayer?'.

Praying for you all this week,Catherine

what you have above is the invitation from our Catholic Society here on campus. i deleted the other part of the message, as i will talk about our group meeting on Tuesdays only this time. Catherine sends us messages about what goes on every week. finally i managed to go this week to this discussion group. it was really nice. we were a total of eight people: Liliana and two other english students at Solent University (can't remember their names, but one's is Tom). Liliana coordinates for Solent University the same chaplaincy activities Catherine carries on for us here at University of Southampton. Plus Catherine, this other english guy, a girl from Sri Lanka, named Asha (suuuper talkative), and a french guy who came over a little late but still participate in the discussion. i DO want to speak english with a french accent. it is the coolest possibility ever. oh, and myself.

we read, prayed, and discussed. i really enjoyed the time for reflection and the opportunity to get to meet new people around.