hectic sunday: family lunch & walk & pizza

4 july 2010
family lunch:

at Kassandra’s, with everyone again: Manuela, Andre, Vanessa, Caio, Danilo, Laiane, Jota, Mother, me. . .

i took ten photos with Caio by his request; we watch an 'agua-com-acucar' film on tv as if it were really interesting. we need to do things together to keep together, and agreeing on points we would normally disagree is part of the deal. loved those magic moments. more endless chatting with more than one speaking at the same times, obviously. good to see Vanessa has time for her family. she is so young and started not long ago working as an oncologist. cherished moments in my memory. i also think this get togethers are good for little, imaginative caio. he was fascinated with kass' big collection of magnets he got about ten i his little hands and asked her: 'aunt kassandra, if someone comes here and asks you to take your magnets for a day would you allow them to do that?' soooo precious! he helped kass on this and she said no, because she loves her collection of magnets from places she's visited.

oh, how could i forget to mention the food? it was fantastic. we had green salad, rice with beans, and bbq. everything, everything, was freshly made and tasted delicious. ice creams and fruits for dessert. oh Lord, save me from temptations for they may lead me to undesirable roads. i fear this time in teresina is leaving significant / visible marks on my person.

walk by the river:

about 5pm i was off for a walk by the river with my mom. walking after stuffing oneself is especially useful and helps release the guilt, plus the ay was beautiful. i am not going to list the endless advantages of walking, by the first ones that come to my mind are: helps me sleep better, breath better, feel my body, some aches go away, and it makes me smile, especially if i get to see people i know along the walk. the specil one i know and whom we met this day was kassandra - LOL! yes, she went from her place and we all met by the river.

pizza:

in the evening i went to La Pizza with mom, jota and kassandra. you can have a dreadful idea of the amount of calories i have already consumed in less than 48 hours after i arrived in Teresina. this is all so challenging, and i am a week soul, this is the plain truth.

film: julie & julia

3 july 2010

Definitely for me the book should come before the movie. The movie is fine, Meryl Streep is phenomenal, but the film, which of course is another, completely different language from the book, presents only bits of the real story. I don’t understand why some film producers and or directors feel the need to change details in recent facts. I’ve read somewhere that important bits about Julie’s life were left out of the film. Oh well, it was good to watch, anyway. The said part to it is that now I don’t feel like reading the book. But I do believe it is important that our knowledge about the story doesn’t limit to the selected information presented in a film. Although I am not a movie expert I dare say the director could have made better use of the rich material available. Oh, I loved to see Shakespeare and Company, the great bookstore in Paris in the film.

festive arrival - family lunch

3 july 2010

During our breakfast Manuela invited us to come have lunch at her house at 1.30pm. Kassandra and I said YES right away. For me it was precious chance to see Vanessa, Andre, Lorena, Fernando, Danilo, and the kids Fernandinho and Caio. The food was routinely excellent. I couldn’t help but eat a lot of this Thai lamb, cooked in coconut milk, which was superb. There were other things to eat but I concentrated on the lamb, rice, and veggie salad. For dessert we had some chocolates I took there myself plus a chocolate cake and ice cream. Any meal at Manuela’s is always a big feast.

The relaxed chat involved technology, life, trips, chocolate, study, death, kids, and all the natural issues families talk about when they meet. When we left Manuela’s house it was nearly 5pm. Every time it is the same: we just linger on and on and on for a long time after the meal is over. The funny thing is that we remained around the table, biting this and that.

festive arrival - family breakfast

3 july 2010

I said goodbye to Liliana around midnight and left Fortaleza in a GOL flight at 00:45 in the early morning. When I got to the airport in Teresina it was nearly 2am. My mother and Kassandra were faithfully awaiting me, with the most wonderful and welcoming hugs and kisses in the world. We spent the rest of the night at Kassandra’s but went to my mother’s in the morning because a big family breakfast was planned for us to have. I helped with the pancakes and there were so many other things to eat. Oh my God, eating always ends up posing a problem when I go to Brazil, because it is everywhere. Family members and friends came to eat with us, and there was of course great chat and laughter and everything. Caubyra brought me beautiful flowers.

Our family breakfast was very very good. This trip through Lisbon was not tiring at all and didn’t even last too long. It was more than 24 hours for the whole journey, but I had the advantage of the hour in Brazil four hours behind. I felt quite rested. During the breakfast Manuela invited us to come to her house for lunch. this is the topic of the next post.

trip: uk - brazil

on 2 july 2010

My trip to Brazil this time was (coach) Southampton – (TAP) London – Lisbon – (GOL) Fortaleza – Teresina. Because I had fours hours in Lisbon between the TAP flights I arranged to meet with my friend Fernanda. She came pick me up at the airport. We drove around the city, which I found beautiful. It is interesting to be in a place where people speak a variation of my own language, but clearly not quite the same. We visited quite a few historic places, but unfortunately didn’t have time to try the ‘pasteis de belem’. Leave it for another opportunity.

When I was back in the airport to leave to Brazil I realized from talking to people at gate 42 that my departure gate had changed from 42 to 44. The Brazil and the Netherlands match started exactly when we left Lisbon. During the flight a flight attendant announced she was ‘sorry to inform Brazil lost the game to Holland’. Who asked? Some whisperings of sadness as well as some manifestations of joy were heard in the plane. Fine! It is said a game is a game and it implies that one has to lose for another one to win.

when i was in the queue for immigration in Fortaleza the noise from the gathering of people drew my attention. i looked back to the many people in the queue and only idea came to mind. the synthesis of my thoughts was 'they are all much alive'. when i get to Brazil i instantly feel the difference in the incessant heat everyone displays, starting from a big round of applause we give when we land in Brazil, which i see as a beautiful moment that holds us all together.

I got to Fortaleza and met with my cousin Liliana, who stayed with me at the airport until I left to Teresina. We talked non-stop, about life, about us, about love, about work, and about whatever else popped up on the menu of our chat. It was fantastic to spend this time with Liliana. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time. Last time we had seen each other was 2007, I think. Getting together with Liliana is getting together with people I have loved all my life, people who i grew up with, people who know exactly who I am, and know of me, of my deeds, of my fears, of my dreams. Liliana is not only a cousin but also a very close friend of mine. Years away from face to face encounters don’t make us one bit more distant or anything of strangers. On the contrary, we need more time to catch up. I was worried about her, because I was going to embark to Teresina sometime after midnight and thought it would be not safe for her to go home after that. Well, she had plans and she actually took a taxi there from Silvana’s home, where she is staying with her mom while Silvana is in Paris with Heitor, and that’s why we didn’t get to meet this time. The warmth and tenderness of familiar love were clearly set in the air.

brazil

1 july 2010

i can hardly believe it is already july and i am going again to brazil. i'll leave in the early hours of the day to london by coach. at 8am i fly to lisbon, get there at 11.50. fernanda will meet me at the airport. it will be nice to sse someone and help pass the time in the new place. it will be great to see fernanda after so many years. she lives in lisbon but has been to brazil a few times. i am a little anxious about this trip.
i'll leave lisbon towards fortaleza at 3pm and arrive in fortaleza at 6.30pm (local time), but it will be 10.30pm in my watch because we are four hours ahead of brazil.
i will stay six hours at the airport in fortaleza. my cousin liliana is going there to see stay with me. this is fantastic. i am so thrilled to see her after so long. liliana is not only a good cousin but also a very special friend.
i will fly to teresina at 00.45 and get to teresina nearly 2am. it will be am in my watch. in teresina i will be receptioned with much love from family. can't wait to give my mother and my father and everyone else a big hug. when i get home the feeling is one of safety and peace.

i might be absent from the blog for a few days as i don't know yet how i'll manage the posting thing. so, if i don't come by it only means i am in teresina taking care of my business there, which is the main phase of my research and also to be homey for a while and be very happy about it. i love brazil.

le plat du jour: food and thought

28 june 2010

le plat: pizza and a great chat

l'assiete: null

la boisson: diet coke for me, orange juice for hilra.

dear nene,
it was great to enjoy part of this warm summer day with you in highfield, first walking to the stag's head, then going to your office. LOL the music was loud, huh. i'm glad we found this time to have a meal together and catch up a little on our endless conversations. ah, the pizza was good, wasn't it? i like it there but it is too much per person if we are two only. it becomes ideal for three people. anyway, for the rest of the day i only ate grapes and had a cup of tea. my name is guilt.

it is always interesting how we talk about so many things and never lose track of the topic. is it a woman thing or is it that we really trust each other and thus feel free to talk whatever? people may think women talk most of the time about foolish things. that is not our case. thanks a lot for the truthful tips on that subject. i really appreciate them. when i am back from Brazil we'll get together and talk more.

big hugs,
maroca

le plat du jour

26 june 2010

le plat: bluecheese, chinese noodles with seastick and scrambled eggs, palm hearts, plus other ingredients:

i put ginger, garlic, butter, salt, chilly and mixed it all together with the seasticks in pan with hot butter. the smell was irresistible. i added the cooked noodles with a few spoons of the water in which i had cooked the noodles and then the bluecheese. yummy!!!

in a separate pan i prepared the eggs and also sliced the palm hearts. two banquets in a row i had this week. and there is leftover for another one or even two meals.

l'assiete: grapes.

la boisson: tea. cheers!

le plat du jour: feeding body & soul

25 june 2010

today I still felt a little lost with the crumb of freedom I have now from the many recent responsibilities. I came to the office today wearing the official Brazilian shirt and went to watch the second half of the match Brazil vs Portugal at the Stag’s head. Not much emotion, it was a draw, but we’re safe, that should make up for a reason for celebration, I think. on my way back home i stopped Somerfield, a local supermarket, and this guy started talking football with me. he wanted a chat but at present i don't have enough information to carry out a proper conversation, i'm afraid, but we still had a nice chat.

le plat: Then I came home, hungry and thinking I do need to cook up some of the food I have in the house. i just put two veggie burgers with sliced mushrooms in a tray, sprinked salt, chilly and olive oil on them, and put it in the oven to bake for about 20 minutes. the burgers were frozen. the mushrooms look dark, but the 'plat' tasted fantastic. when i was making the food one of my flatmates said it smelled really good. i added seasticks to the plate and voila! it was surprisingly different and turned out better than i expected, considering my lack of planning for the cooking and my natural inability to cook good food.

l'assiete: dark lindt chocolat

la boisson: english tea. i had a banquet today. really loved the different food, with no carbo this time. i only ate one of the great veggie burgers, saved the other one for another meal.

other than finding time to cook some, i started to read a good yesterday, as i feel the need to feed my soul with other words, other images, freer and maybe more poetic. please don't get me wrong, i love my readings, really do, but want to vary a bit. doing the fun reading makes me feel like someone who can afford a luxrious hobby. ok, so yesterday i started reading 'time was soft there', from Jeremy Mercer. he worked as a jounalist who specialized in crimes in Canada. in the book he tells of his experience of living in the Shakespeare and company bookstore in Paris. the book is very interesting and Jeremy a great writer. i actually contacted him the other day through email and he replied to me. Everytime i speak with someone famous i remember my cousin Silvana saying i never lose the habit of approaching famous people. why is that? maybe a symptom. i am, with the good food and the good book feeding body & soul :-) cheers!

carpe diem

24 june 2010

I worked all day completing the plan for the course. There are still many things to do, from photocopies to designing questionnaires and getting the final version to course plan and other things. It was a productive day and I feel tired but very much knowing what to do and how to go about this. This is very comforting. The feeling of familiarity with my study, the readings, the decisions I have to make about the course, they are all so important. I love it when I have the sessions with Ros, like we did have one yesterday, and I present my understandings and my work to her and she agrees and helps me out keep the focus and in the right track. It is fantastic. I am in love with my research study.


Of course, at the end of the day, about 6pm, Rob (British), Mariko (Japanese), Diana (Rumanian), and I were headed to a pub and enjoyed the warm sunshine of the day. It was The Stag’s head, the pub right there on the highfield campus. We had clear plans, as stated before, to go as cheap as possible. Diana and I ordered a pint of cider each. The bartender offered some options but our answer was: the cheapest one, please. The cider was cheap and nice. Mariko and Rob had cider too, but of the more expensive brand. LOL.

We had a great chat until sometime after 11pm. We sat outside, enjoying the breeze, drinking our ciders, and talking about so many interesting things. I really love to spend time with people who have stories to tell and are happy to share them. Rob has just been to Asia: China, Thailand and Taiwan, on a field trip for his research study. Mariko got back from her trip to Southeast Asia, also data collection for her research, somewhere in February. She went to China, South Korea, and Japan. Diana has been to many places: Israel, Amsterdam, Berlin, and last week she interviewed somebody in London, all of these are field work trips. I went to Brazil for four weeks in December (data collection) and also visited Prague, Vienna, and Budapest this past Easter break. These experiences leave loaded with impressions and stories to tell. The nice thing is that we have an open, peculiar eye to differences we encounter in the different places we visit. So we talked about isolated events and then our impressions and how we managed unpredicted situations in a foreign land. It was wonderful talk!!! I didn’t know Rob could get so funny and be such an open young man. If I need to say one word to summarize the focus of our interest in the conversation among these different places and peoples it can be ‘identity’, concerning language and culture.

Besides the cider, we had pizzas. We buy two pizzas for £4.50, which is really a good deal. When we had one last slice of pizza, it was sitting there for a while until we started asking ‘who’s going to eat it?’ everyone said ‘you have it’, ‘go ahead, have it’. Then we talked about this situation in our cultures. I explained to them that in Brazil when we have one last slice or piece of food on the table, called ‘the piece of shame’, there is a joke that we should switch off the light so that we feel fine to go for the piece of food. The problem is that some people go with hands and some with their fork (guns) and when the light is switched back on, well. We bursted into laughter. It was really very funny. Mariko said that in Japan, in Tokyo the piece will always go to the bin, as no one is impolite enough to get it. People are very polite in Japan normally. However, in Osaka yes, someone would have the piece. What we did? We called Rob ‘the Osaka man’ and said he should have the piece, which is how our pizza was finished.

Because we get two pizzas it is common that it is too much if people are not hungry. Well, in a nearby table there were three students also drinking something and having pizza. We didn’t even realize when they left. Diana and Mariko decided to go to the loo. As soon as they stood up we had the vision of untouched three slices of pizza in the next table folks’ tray. Their leftover looked like a whole half of a pizza, baked and ready to be eaten, of the type that makes us feel sorry it we don’t do so. Once again we all bursted into laughter. Inspired Rob said ‘osaka’, which was rightly understood and agreed upon by us: we, we should grab the bounty and have the feast. It was a highlight in the night. Diana got the pizza and brought to our table. It was really quick because it was the next table. Then she decided to put the tray back there and keep only the pizza in our tray. Smart one! The girls went to the loo and Ron and I treated ourselves to the slices of pizza.

It is summer now but it still gets a little chilly in the night sometimes. I put on my coat and we all left sometime after 11pm.

Carpe diem, Kassandra.

the painful delivery

23 june 2010

the painful delivery or the near collapse is what we all have experienced these days. Today was Diana’s upgrade. She, just like every other one of us students here, was obviously very nervous about it and went through anguishing moments before the upgrade. And of course it went fine. Why is it that we look like somebody totally different after the stress? Before the upgrade, as before the first year presentation, and as before the viva voce, we feel a void in our brains and it is quite disturbing and often does the trick of making us feel nervous. the upgrade is the formal 'assessment' PhD students have at the end of the second year of their research here.

What I have seen with me and my friends here is that we are using this fear and anguish to make us work hard and turn this dreadful feeling onto something nicer, which gives us the necessary confidence and balance to do the job, which at this point is about presenting it only. The whole big piece has been done. I think we look like somebody who just left the delivery room, and had been in labour for weeks.

Well, done and dusted. We went to celebrate it at the Cowherds this time. We had cider again and dinner. It was expensive and we figured from now on we’ll go cheap every time we step out of the office or plan any social gathering with anyone. This is a point no one argues: yes, we need to spend the least money possible. i still have the question: am i finding daily excuses for trips to local pubs and pints of cider?  no matter the answer, these days i really need all the trips for relaxation. life ain't been no easy, but joyful i must say.

my 1st year presentation

23 june 2010

note: below is a document i submitted to the post graduate coordinator today, exactly as it was sent, not one single word was taken out or added. this is my reflection on my first year presentation.

Reflection on my first year presentation

I had my first year presentation on 17th June 2010. It went fine. The one-day event was a nerve wrecking situation for all of us first year students. Of course I was apprehensive and tense about the presentation, as it represents a special moment in our process here, but feeling very much prepared to do it. I worked hard on every detail and was fortunate to have precious help from a number of friends and from Ros and Patricia. Other than that I tried to relax from listening to good jazz, walking in the Common listening to the birds singing for me, and praying.

The audience seemed interested in my research and not bothered by my long talk and everything was satisfactory in the end. I had three questions and responded to them accordingly, I think. The questions were, as far as I could process and can recall them: 1. from Patrick Stevenson: well, he said a few things in the beginning, which I did not fully follow, and asked about the validity of the work / the course, in such a tough setting; in other words, why or even if it is really worth teaching the course, taking into account the problems the teachers encounter there. For a moment I was not certain the question was more if I knew what I was doing and would then be able to justify the course or if he really thinks the course is not a good idea. My answer was basically that because the situation is a difficult one we should not avoid addressing the problem and trying to help it. I have the teachers’ interest in the course, and this is an important starting point. All of the other reasons I had addressed in the presentation. Yes, it is worth every effort. 2. Rob Baird: he asked if I had taught a course in the same format before. My answer: yes for the intensive mode and also for the focus on writing. I taught before in post graduate programmes for the state university called ‘academic writing’, as well as other courses in the same format and to the English teachers from various kinds of schools and from different cities in the state. The difference now will be that I planned the project and the course; with clear and special objectives in mind to use and freedom for creativity and to meet to the teachers’ needs and level of English. It is crucial now that some of the activities we do in class, not only from the workshops, the teachers be able to implement in their own teaching. I hope they become more curious and investigative about their practice and open up for new possibilities. 3. Najma Husein: she asked if the students are asked whether they want to study English or not. No, they are not asked this question and they are not given the option of studying it or not, despite the fact that the subject does not have the same level of importance as the other subjects do. English is the official foreign language in the curriculum. I need more information before I put a word here about Spanish, but I suppose it is being offered to some grades, not all of them, though.

When the presentation was finished I spoke with Ros. She said that I seemed calm, in control and that everything was very clear. I felt so good. This was the reward of hard work. I now feel much better about my research and more reassured of my research plans. The first year presentation is an opportunity for us students to answer questions we didn’t even know they existed before. It is also a moment to put the work together, orderly, academically. I love it. Now we can move on to another phase in the process.

Later on I had a celebration at the Crown Inn with Diana Popescu. The celebration is also part of the first year presentation. I felt great and relaxed and really needed this after so much hard work and tension.

sticks and stones

21 june 2010

yes, this was a quite difficult day. i got to the office around 10 o'clock in the morning with a not so immense but still daunting list of things to do, everything under tight deadline and of high importance. this alone sort of makes me feel a little numb at times. i started off the day at the office, as always, with a nice of super hot cup of tea, from the mountains in taiwan these days. then, i had a large cup of water. it does prepare my mind and body for the journey.

i had to check out the final version of the ethics documents to be sent out to the office but decided to work on my course plan instead. i have been working on it for many days now, and also on the other pieces: questionnaires, interview with the secretary of education, and on other minor details. i was so slow and feeling overwhelmed by the papers and books and course plan on my table, plus having to make choices about the content of the course. i am supposed to write down everything making sense, but where was my mind? for a moment i felt i could collapse. i felt dizzy and really, really ill. i had this clear feeling my neck was going to, i don't know how to put it, but that it was going to break / fall to one side and i felt i could barely move. i nearly left the office and came home because of that. i actually planned to leave for a moment. then, i took a deep breath and thought: 'hang on, kalina. you'll be ok, and you need to stay and get your things done today as much as possible'. now i remember i had this neck problem once when i was in tennessee. one fine day i woke up with a very hard neck to one side. i couldn't move it, i felt a horrible, and i couldn't go to work that day. i remember i called the writing center and spoke with rob. i went to the doctor at the uni clinic. i also remember the problem was gone almost in the same way as it had come: out of nowhere. we do the tricks in ourselves. we should as well work on doing the right ones.

thank God i did stay. i took a pill to make me relax and went for a 5-minute walk right there around north and south corridors. i didn't even went down the stairs. the short trip and the deep breath away from the desk made me feel quite renovated and i felt a new perspective was there for me. i may sound very insane for someone who is not in the same situation or cannot understand what i talk about here. i think it is insane to an extent, but basically all my friends are going through all the same estressful kind of feeling these days. we all talk about fear and nerves.

i went on working, slow paced as always, but doing it, and that's what matters. doing is what makes me feel good. the photos with the collage of the little strips of papers are my assembling bits to put my course together. it is weird because i have the course in my mind and it is not a totally new experience, but when it comes to writing a coherent and cohesive piece, with the pressure of the PhD, everything gains a new weight and high level of difficulty. well, i cut the bibliography reference by reference into strips of paper and literally pasted one by one in the draft to the syllabus to visualize some order and balance in the content of the course. i like my method of work. it is very personal, it is like art craft, because i like and need to touch words, to draft, and to go through phases before i consider the job finished. it needs to maturate.

after a while it all made so much sense, and the pain was turned into work only, no more difficulty. i was happy at the end of the day with my work, which has been sent to ros, my supervisor. i also sent other document i drafted yesterday at hartley. we should talk about them all tomorrow morning. the meetings are always enlightening to me. i am stuck in the questionnaire part now. ah, have also sent the ethics documents to the office. help me God.

the day was nothing easy, but manageable. it was good in the end. if we don't quit, the moment becomes one of possibility. i am certain the neck pain and all of the nerves and general 'symptoms' talk about success as well. it a giant tide of emotions, of accomplishment, of moving towards goals, of becoming a grown up. and i think there are little undesirable feelings that come on the way to disturb me. i should always be able to try and understand what is in fact going on, because it is not difficulty in the sense of tough only. it is also difficulty in this beautiful, magic sense of getting life on my own hands. it is empowering, wonderful, and frightening. amem!

le plat du jour

19 june 2010

le plat: steamed asparagus, seastick and stuffed cabbage. i seasoned this veggie salad with olive oil and chilly. it tasted good. plus rice and meat the burger i inherited from mat before she left.

le gateau: lindt dark chocolate

la boisson: english tea.

note: i always have the dessert together with the tea. my lunch today was very delicious. i was surprised myself. it had been a long while since i last cooked because i've basically been busy and eating on campus every day. i now have veggetables that are going old and will probably have to go to the bin soon. hehehe i also steamed broccoli but forgot to eat them with the meal. oh my! to feed the soul, well, good jazz all day long.

lava roupa todo dia, que alegria

19 june 2010

today i decided to stay home and put some order here after the many days i've been busy and with no chance whatsoever to tidy up the place. my plans now are to have a new start around here, getting rid of old papers and opening up spaces for my next steps in my research. i always start off by organizing the place. it does give me a better perspective in mind and i can definetely work better from there. actually, i believe the disposition of my belongings in my room tell a lot about my mind, i mean, of how much messed up or at peace it is.

for this reason, first thing in the morning i made myself a nice and fresh cup of coffee and had it with bread and butter. oh, and tasteless weight watchers cheese. it's simple stuff but i like it very much. i never have bread for breakfast during the week. with no exception for breakfast on weekdays i have cereal with milk, and yogurt if i have it, and fruits, if i have any. cereal with green tea. this is the perfect meal for good digestion throughout the day for me.

next, i did big time laundry, two loads, plus ten 'delicate' pieces that i hand washed right here in the room and hanged in the curtain mill. hehehe they look gorgeous there, don't they? washing up clothes and putting them away is always a powerful thing to make to me feel i am getting somewhere.

marwell wildlife

18 june 2010

i went today with ines, julia and melissa to marwell wildlife, the hampshire zoo, located in eastleigh. they picked me up at uni and off we went to the zoo. it was a nice surprise to discover this area here so close to home. i would never go to a zoo unless invited, which was the case. the whole space is wide and beautiful. they have bbq areas and all sort of support people might need. it was a special day and they had so many volunteers, i really loved it.

we walk through the park for about three hours. stopped for a picnic and walked again, seeing the animals and the many people there. the picnic area is great. well, the whole zoo is a great venue for anyone spend some hours of the day. by the way, they also have a special place which they rent out for social events like weddings.

along the way we encontered characters the kids could greet and have photos with. the bee was cute and friendly. i was glad to find the animals interesting and even beautiful. i am not, really, the animal lover type of person, but i did enjoy seeing the huge giraffes, the very very beautiful zebras, and others i don't even know the name. the ones in the picture below are in 'the lion king'. so cool!!! the ostrich was nice to see, too.  

besides the animals as attraction there were some funny things the kids could do. julia and melissa and a bunch of other kids got into the firefighters car with the helmet on to pretend they were driving.

so nice! the visit to the zoo was a perfect programme to wrap up this difficult and tense week, until yesterday. when they dropped me off home it was almost 10pm. i had a wonderful night of sleep after the many emotions of the week. it is fantastic to vary the environment, the focus of the thoughts and the talk and the setting. this way i put new images and many unimagined possibilities in my mind. love it!!! thanks a lot for inviting me along, inezita.

Saramago e a beleza

18 june 2010

Saramago me impressiona pela beleza de suas palavras e pela sabedoria que questiona e desafia, sem temores. ele dizia que nao acreditava em Deus e foi engracado quando perguntaram a ele em entrevista aa folha de sao paulo no brasil, em dezembro de 2008, se ele tinha mudado a concepcao que tinha de Deus depois que sarou de uma enfermidade grave que teve. ele custou a entender a pergunta, pediu para a repetirem e mais ou menos devolveu a pergunta ao jornalista, 'e porque eu haveria de mudar?'. disse entao que quem lhe salvou foram 'os medicos e aquela senhora que esta ali sentada', referindo-se a Pilar, sua esposa. e se extende nessa resposta com umas palavras que valem a pena gente escutar e refletir sobre.

Saramago nao acredita em Deus, acredita no amor. ele disse lindamente numa entrevista que encontrou o amor quando nem mais pensava que isso iria lhe acontecer na vida. ele e Pilar se conheceram quando ele tinha mais de 60 anos. o amor deve te-lo feito sentir tanta coisa nova. o amor traz uma nova vida, uma vida que nasce das duas vidas em comunhao, mesmo que dali nao haja um rebento. a mim me parece que o rebento eh o olhar de amor que denuncia a alma renovada dos amantes. olha so a felicidade estampada no rosto dele nessa foto.

engracado que to agora pensando na minha linguagem e no trato com os pronomes nesse post. em outras ocasioes eu escrevo e assim vai. tambem nao adianta eu querer acertar. escrevo com amor e respeito a esse genial homem. eu adoro ouvi-lo falar e pensar nas palavras do repertorio dele, tao naturalmente rebuscado, uma sofisticacao nata. ha tanta beleza nos sons de suas palavras. nossa lingua portuguesa eh rica e realmente muito linda. me encho de vaidade de poder pensar que nos falamos a mesma lingua, ou variantes da lingua de Camoes. Paz para voce, Jose.

done and dusted. oh, and wasted

17 june 2010

i had my first year presentation today. it went fine, afterall. the one-day event was a nerve wrecking situation for all of us first year students. i was at first scheduled to present my research in the afternoon but there was a chance and it happened in the morning slot instead, which was better for me. i had asked andrea to be the first one to present because i always feel too nervous and cannot concentrate on anything before i speak. well, she put me last. i was the 8th student to present today. of course i was still anxious about the presentation, but feeling very much preprared to do it. i worked hard on every detail and was fortunate to have precious help from a number of friends and from both my advisor and my supervisor. it is incredible how a presentation involves so many details that one single person is never capable of covering them all alone. 

each student had between 12 to 15 minutes to speak, followed by more or less seven minutes for questions and answers. well, maybe the fact that i was last ended up being very good for me. i was told later on that i spoke for 23 minutes, but no one stopped / interrupted me. i had agreed with my friend ken for him to give me signs when i had five minutes left and then again when i had three minutes left to help me control my presentation. i totally forgot to look at him. when i finally remember to do so he was not giving me any sign. he was not even actually looking at me, i think.. okon was touching his watch in a sign to pressure me to finish up. the audience seemed engaged and not bothered by my long talk and everything was satisfactory in the end. i had three questions from the audience and responded to them accordingly. the minute the session was officially finished i went to Ros. she said she was happy, that i seemed calm, in control and that everything was very clear. i felt so good. this was the reward of hard work. i like to respect the responsibility that the event has. i now feel much better about my research and more reassured of my research plans.

after the morning presentations we had lunch together at the canteen. in the afternoon i went back into the room for my friend ken. after his presentation i left to the office to work. before that i agreed with diana to celebrate the success of my presentation at the crown inn, at 8pm, because we were, no doubt, very busy. well, i was quietly working when diana came by and invited me to leave earlier, way before 6pm. fine. we went to the pub and i drank water at first. check out for the bracelet i am wearing. it is a necklace my mother gave to me but since it wouldn't go too well in the neck with the outfit i decided to have it on my arm :-) for best of luck. well, we both had 'a pint of cider' each. i got sooo drunk. this was my best 'wasted' moment in the last few months. we laughed a lot and chatted chatted chatted like we always do, about whatever in life. diana is a great chat. i love the cider, which i had never really had before. i felt so light, so relieved. done and dusted. i drank a total of one and a half pint of cider. goooooood!

after a while i had to put on the jacket as it got chilly. we stayed at the pub until about 9pm. it was nice and i felt great and relaxed. i really needed to get wasted after so much hard work and tension. we all need a scape, don't we? where have all my nails gone? *cheers*

the rehearsal

14 june 2010

today we had the rehearsal for our first year presentation. ken, okon, and i rehearsed. the other folks came over to help with comments and suggestions. it was important to do it in the same room where it is going to take place this coming thursday. i was glad to have so much support for this. hsyuia, mariko, mustafa, rob, najma, ahmed, ying, alma, and also ken and okon came. we are a supportive group and it makes a difference on what we do.

'para ser feliz'

14 june 2010

ando pensando no que venho sentindo sobre o que se apresenta a mim, sobre como vivo, e pensando no quanto sou responsavel por tudo, tambem.

ai, o que me veio aa mente foi umas palavras da Clarice Lispector no livro 'uma aprendizagem ou o livro dos prazeres'. ela ta falando sobre a personagem feminina, a Lori, e diz:

"ela tinha o dia, para ser feliz ou sofrer."

le plat du jour

13 june 2010

le plat: mash potatoes, avocado, and seastick.
i am not sure this plate of mine looks very attractive for some people, but fact is it was really good and different. i loved to have the avocado with the mash and the seastick. it was, for me, a complete meal.

le gateau: null

la boisson: taiwanese tea

it was also 'plat of the jour' the long, very long journey on campus. at first on the avenue campus, where i stayed all day, until about 5.30 pm. when everyone leaves the office i can't stay there alone. i simply cannot make it. i don't know why but i don't feel like staying there alone.

so, at about 5.30 i went to highfield campus. there i met hsuyia and jenny and chatted with them for a while at the cafe. were went there to eat something. we were all there on a sunday obviously to study. jenny is finishing up her MA dissertation. hsuyia will have her upgrade in a few days; so, she is now reading up more studies to keep cool. i stayed on campus until 10pm. when i left it was quite cold and i was quite tired, but feeling that i ha done the right thing. i always thing i have to make the right choices, and most of the time i don't make the right choices in my life. it takes me forever to 'get the picture', but i'll get there. back home i just had some cereal with milk to eat. bed is so inviting now.

from a doll

10 june 2010

Clarissa sent me this nice card today, with these birds bringing her message. what for? just to say hello and brighten up my day. what a wonderful surprise to know she thought of me. there is nothing more sincere and genuine than a child's demonstration of affection. i found it so lovely that she wanted to actually write me the card. next time i meet her i'll give her a big hug. she is soo cute and lovely and funny and lively. children teach us a great deal about the magic of innocence and pure love. why do we forget all the spontaneity as we grow up? we were supposed to become wiser.

cansadinha da silva

9 june 2010

nota: partes de um email enviado a uma amiga ha uma hora mais ou menos.

ontem conversei com o wxxxx ate umas 8 da noite. caminhei la de volta pro highfield e conversamos no escritorio dele. fui embora pensando em fazer mais coisas. . . . . . bla bla bla. . . . . . to muito mas muito cansada mesmo, fisicamente. hoje muito cedo ja vim aqui no avenue, deixei umas coisas, caminhei pro highfield e trabalhei com outro prof, de listening and speaking, ajudando ele a avaliar as apresentacoes dos alunos dele.

engracado que nao to nem reclamando, entende? mas to me sentindo tomada, completamente tomada de coisas pra fazer e sem conseguir fazer tudo que quero por conta da minha exaustao no final do dia. chego em casa e quero comer uma comida boa ou uma salada bem sadia e preciso ir comprar ingredientes porque acabou tudo que eh vegetal fresco. e frutas tambem me faltam e sinto falta disso. tenho feito umas saladas que eu adoro ultimamente.

terminei de tabalhar com o Ted Way e fui no cabeleiriro ali na unishop pra marcar pra cortar o cabelo e me sentir melhor. ta marcado pra hoje 5.15 da tarde. sim, vou voltar la de novo hoje. ainda bem que o caminho eh lindo e me faz muito bem, mas to cansada, muito cansada. eu queria tanto agora me deitar e dormir por umas 12 horas seguidas, ou so fechar os olhos e escutar musica, ou ver filmes, ou ver o mar. tenho que cortar o cabelo hoje pra ver se ainda hoje mesmo passo uma tinta nele, pra 'disfarcar' o tempo. isso sempre faz eu me sentir melhor, e sera duas coisas a menos na preparacao para a apresentacao, a parte da 'aparencia'. assim me sinto livre pra me concentrar em outras coisas. e se Deus quiser nao vai tomar muito tempo.

o trabalho com o Ted, claro, foi excelente, divertido, relaxado e diferente. mas eh trabalho e exige concentracao. a gente avalia o aluno mas eh tambem avaliada nessas horas, naturalmente. o Ted ficou feliz e amanha nos vemos de novo para as outras apresentacoes do grupo dele. amanha vai ser de tarde, tambem no highfield. eu tenho um pe caminhador e a esse respeito sinto felicidade e movimento na minha vida.

e caminhei de volta pro avenue. to aqui, embriagada de cansaco, anestesiada, na cadeira. daqui a pouco, 1 da tarde, tenho que ir a uma apresentacao de um colega libio que chegou faz pouco tempo da coleta de dados e pesquisa o mesmo tema que eu .

amanha cedo tenho encontro com 'advisor' - Deus eh mais e ela nao vai dizer muita coisa diferente dessa vez, o que mais me angustia que ajuda. ela vai me ajudar com a apresentacao da proxima semana. e de tarde tem o Ted. que horas eu posso dedicar a mim, com folga de tempo pra me concentrar? pra comprar comida sadia e cozinhar? penso em cozinhar e fico sem animo quando penso na lavacao de panela.

to muito cansada. nao tive tempo de ver nem quantas horas sao o programa la no sabado, o curso de critatividade. eu decidi que nao vou poder ir dessa vez, mas acho que voce vai adorar. eu iria sem duvida se nao estivesse precisando de cada minuto pra cuidar do meu proprio explicito servico aqui.

entao, como ta no email da chefe, eu vou pedir pra ela deixar eu entregar as notas na quarta-feira mesmo, porque na quinta nao acho que meus nervos aguentem, apesar de isso ser mexer no progama deles, e disso eles nao gostam. e acabei de receber outro email dela falando dos comentarios que temos que fazer sobre cada aluno, no sistema. eh um relatorio enorme. eu de alguma forma achei - delirei - que com o final das aulas eu estaria um pouco mais livre, mas isso eh somente depois de fechar todo esse servico, claro. moral da historia: nao posso marcar londres pro dia 18. vou ver se consigo entregar as notas no dia 16 e no 17, depois da apresentacao, comecar a fechar os relatorios de cada aluno. acho mais seguro liberar esse dia.

me sinto ocupada e cansada. nao tenho tido tempo pra coisas serias e urgentes minhas, da minha pesquisa. mas ta tudo bem, se faz sentido isso. acho que sao so dias muito lotados de servico. meu cansaco eh porque cada atividade exige um nivel de concentracao enorme e nao sei se dou conta direito. ah, hoje eu tinha anotado o numero da sala errado. ainda bem que era no predio do direito mesmo e vi o Ted vindo do cafe e subi e encontrei a turma no segundo andar.

eu era beeem mais agil e tinha mais capacidade multi tarefa. hoje sou mais lenta e preciso de mais coisas pra me concentrar e exijo mais de mim, mas me sinto tao melhor, parece que sei mais sobre quem eu sou. sentimento bem interessante. eh uma sabedoria que me mantem no chao.

ps.: encontrei a Ros, minha orientadora, na apresentacao. ela veio ate mim e falou de novo sobre dois emails que tinha me mandado logo antes da apresentacao, quase uma da tarde, sobre uns documentos que eu precisso URGENTEMENTE concluir. ate ela usou maiusculas pra me alertar. vai dar tudo certo. bom demais quando ela nao precisava dizer duas vezes a mesma coisa. ela agora falou pela terceira ou quarta vez, eu acho. eu ja comecei tudo, mas to lenta na finalizacao. eu tenho que calcular o tempo que preciso pensando no meu modus operandi assaz artesanal, sempre. eu gosto de cumprir datas e concluir projetos, tudo bacana.

the birds by the window

7 june 2010

listen to the birds in the video. i took these photos and made a short video of the car park from my window at st. margaret's house. it was a little chilly and wet because it had rained during the day. there is also music from my itunes adore jazz radio station, playing at low volume, but i opted for the sounds of the birds. i love to listen to the birds.

the list, the draft

6 junho 2010

these are notes, a list, a first draft of some events and ideas for posts here in the blog. i plan to write them, but time not always allows. the list has not made a trip to the bin, i do want to talk about the points i marked when they were happening this week, not certain of when exactly. i have been so busy. can i complain? yes i can but i don't think i should.

i am the type of writer who never sees a piece as finished the first time i touch it. i like to draft, think about it, let it sleep a little, work more on it, until i have the feeling i have accomplished my purpose. it is possible for me to do it in my academic work, which pleases me. writing and revising, editing, deleting, adding up information to a text is such an entertaining activity. 

however, here in the blog i exercise on developing a different approach to writing. i want and need it to be more relaxed, freer, and something that should not take up much of my time. whenever it does, it is stealing time which should be devoted to  my priority here, my academic work. this is why i try to go simpler and ultimately find a balance between dedicating the necessary time to my study and still posting in the blog. i have come to appreciate the blog posting a great deal. it is very good in many ways, but this is topic for a different post. oh, Lord! i believe i go back to every single post and do a little revision or add up details because i think it is not clear enough when i read it. this is the third time i write on this one here. and am done with it now. i am kalina, the editing woman. nice to meet you.

a tout a l'heure, mat

6 june 2010

dear mat,
it was magic to have your presence here with us this semester. i am  not going to lament on your leaving, because i am certain we'll get to meet up again shortly. you are a lovely girl, and a very caring friend. so many nice things we managed to do together in the not so long time you spent here. the alice film and the flamenco dance and the shakespeare play were all highlights of out time together. i was so glad that you took my friends as your own friends so easily. my heart is sad, but i know that you have many other important deeds to accomplish back home in brussels. really, hope to see you again soon.

please say hello to big joaquim, your man, and to lili, your cutie little niece. i will never forget our conversation about life and how we relate to people who are important to us. thanks a lot for opening up about you and for listening to my lament on 'stuff' :-) i do hold that talk of ours precious. life can be so challenging at times, huh. but never forget i am here for you, my wonderful friend. i am dreaming of coming to visit you sometime in the near future. love you, kalina.

film: “Brasileirinho: grandes encontros do choro”

5 june 2010

Brasileirinho - Grandes Encontros do Choro (2005)

Director: Mika Kaurismäki
Writers: Marco Forster & Mika Kaurismäki
Release Date: 23 March 2007 (UK)

Cast
the great brazilian musicians and singers: Teresa Cristina, Paulinho da Viola, Ademilde Fonseca, Zezé Gonzaga, Guinga, Paulo Moura, Luciano Rabelo, Elza Soares, Marcos Suzano, Trio Madeira Brasil, Yamandu

Runtime: France: 90 min
Country: Brazil / Finland  / Switzerland
Language: Portuguese
Filming Locations: Brazil
Company: Marianna Films
Source for info above: imdb

To finish up well a difficult day I decided to stay home and watch a movie. It is the documentary “Brasileirinho: grandes encontros do choro” . the great film directed by Mika Kaurismäki is a pearl among the good documentaries about Brazil and about music. It tells of the beginning of choro, and shows some big names telling stories. It is nice to see the new generations wanting to study and play choro. it wa so nice to listen to the stories and to the fantastic sounds of the music of my Brazil. it might be obvious, but especiallythat day it was super nice to watch the film. if i am not mistaken they did not talk about chiquinha gonzaga, which was a bad surprise to me.

anyway, i was impressed by the young musicians learning from the older generations and much into the spirit of the music. i love Yamandu. i would love to be able to play a musical instrument, preferably the guitar. wish i could sing, too.
*sigh*

please don't go, mat

4 june 2010

we went to 'the crown inn' today as one of the many farewell get togethers Mathilde had been attending in the last days. what a marathon. the crown inn is on of those pubs which are always crowded no matter the day. but we were lucky to find a good table and have a good time and chat. mat came by a little later because she had another farewell party at the common park with our flatmates. i couldn't come to this one because i was a the office. mat went to both. so many hugs and nice words of friendship, accomplishment, longing, and life. nice mat is friends with just about everybody. there is youth, joy, dreams, and life in her. May God keep you strong and adorable, Mat. always.
we= agota (hungary), diana (rumania), me (brazil), mat - mathilde (belgium), and karla (brazil)

note: 'the crown inn' is this nice and always crowded pub close to uni; actually strategically located between the avenue and the highfield campuses. it is never easy to find a table there if you don't make a reservation, particularly on a friday, i think. we were lucky to walk there and get a nice table for us. we stayed there until nearly midnight. agota walked back home with diana because they are house mates. mat, karla, and i walked back home together, not through the forest this time of day, because it is not safe when there is no daylight, bt we felt quite safe to walk home. again, i love to think i walk a lot here. i has never imagined i would walk so many places and so often and be so happy about it in my life. it does help happy a good night sleep. mat and i are flatmates. karla is visiting uni to decide whether she'll come to study her master's degree here or somewhere else. it just feels so safe and convenient to be in the office and after office hours walks a couple of blocks to reach a cozy, typical english pub, where we can sit, eat, drink, and chat away. . . cheers!

ready for the inspection

3 june 2010

today i will have a guest who's staying until saturday with me. karla is a student from the university of leeds and will come to the uni of southampton for her MA in applied linguistics. she already has the acceptance letter from the department and is coming now to visit the city and the uni premises and services.

well, last night, while i was vacuuming the room and 'hiding' stuff and putting some things away to both open space and to look a bit more organized i laughed thinking i was doing that in the same way i have done the cleaning up for the room inspection we have in the halls during school year. it was funny. i mean, i do clean up and organizer my room and i do like it, but not just now. in the end the room looks neat.

i'll pick karla up from the coach station at 6pm. she's traveling through london, where she changes buses. a looong trip, but much cheaper by coach than by plane or train.

nice match

02 june 2010

i had just about two scoops of this nice ice cream today. it's vanilla ice cream with mint chocolate powder on top of it, of those that come in little packs to be hot drinks. i felt no guilt this time because the ice cream is diet and the chocolate powder is just a little bit. moreover, the nice effect on me is very good. i need to please myself sometimes, and in these warmer days i feel like having something really fresh and cold, like an ice cream, especially after a mean. this is my process: 1. i have my meal; 2. i brush teeth; and 3. then i have dessert and drink tea. why waste the good taste, huh?

food for thought

1 june 2010

the significant little

31 may 2010

i look around me and see nothing. i keep looking, i stare as i don't believe nothing is all there is out there. and because i keep looking i find it. not much, not what i want, but what is real. sometimes i have the impression that my plans, my dreams are based on ideals, on sand castles. but then i realize the dreams, the utopias, are necessary as a first step. there is no problem at all in being an idealist (a mild one), as long as i can manage real world. this is the big lesson, to be able to work around the possibilities, to be able to make the necessary adjustments, and to keep dreaming. every little move is significantly big and a sign of accomplishment. and i have to keep staring to be able to spot it, to concentrate, to listen to the inspiring birds. cheers!

oh happy sunday

30 may 2010

the common park is so beautiful now with the new season and the amazingly beautiful green leaves on the trees. the birds are singing even more, i suspect. every day i see people who come there for walks, and they bring family and dogs with them. i am very fortunate to have the park as a possiblity of path to walk to uni. i have chosen to walk instead of riding the bus lately, maybe for three months. it feels so much nicer. the walk helps my digestion, and it is such a gift to appreaciate nature right here, just a 3-minute walk from home. and, what is just as importat: i feel safe there, even when i don't see people around. when i do see people coming towards my direction i don't fear anything. to me they are habitues, just like me. many people are very punctual at coming to the park to exercise.

li yu and i walked through it this morning on our way to uni. i went to hartley library to study and she was going to the sports rec, to swim. she is finished with assignments but i am still quite busy and actually super stressed out with bzzzbzzz. we got to the highfield campus, union shop, still chatted a little more and off li yu went to swim and i was headed to hartley. came across yuki, with whom i talked for about 20 minutes. she is a very nice friend of mine, and was, of cours, at the library for the same reasons as the many other peope who were there.

inside the park there is usually only people and not cars. today we found cars, tents and the ice cream car. these are all signs of a fair to take place during the day. people take advantage of every minute of good weather. brilliant!

maybe because i walked in this beautiful day, maybe because i am really loaded and behind on my work, maybe because i am not an irresponsible person afterall, maybe because i had so many inspiring companies at the library, i.e, people doing the same as me, but the fact is that today i was productive, not as much as i had hoped for, but i felt i moved forward.

i stayed at hartley until about 4pm. after that went to the stilo with diana and had dinner there. after that we walked to portswood road to buy food at the polish shop, to this blonde, blue eyed woman who speaks no english, and at the international shop, too. time to bed!

film: 'kitaj'

30 may 2010

Kitaj

Last night I watched a documentary about the life of R. B. Kitaj . He was a Jewish painter who lived in the US and in Europe for many years. The documentary is mainly based on his own account of his life. It was very interesting to hear him telling about his ideas of turning a story from the thing he saw or stories people told him into a painting. He was an influential painter, born in 1932 in Cleveland, Ohio. He died in Los Angeles 2007. Kitaj pointed out that a painting should be used for both intellectual and sensual communication. lots of nudity in his paintings.

I watched it at home, by myself. It felt nice to be under the sheets in the cold night. It felt like being somewhere on a lazy holiday. Thanks a lot for lending me the film, Diana. I loved it.

film: 'bande a part'

30 may 2010

‘bande à part’

released as ‘band of outsiders’

Production year: 1964
Country: France
Runtime: 97 mins
Director: Jean-Luc Godard
Writer: based on Dolores Hitchens’s novel “Fools’ Gold”, written by Godard
Cast: Anna Karina, Sami Frey, Claude Brasseur, Daniele Girard, Louisa Colpeyn
Music: Michel Legrand

Last night I watched the film ‘band à part’. As far as I can remember it was my first nouvelle vague film. I like it very much. It is about this girl (Odile), who meets two guys (Arthur and Franz) at their english class. Both guys become interested in Odile, and she is more interested in Arthur. They go the cafes, dance, and when Odile realizes it is too late and she is involved with the plan of robbing the money Mr. Stolz keeps at home, the home where Odile lives with her aunt Victoria. From there problems arise.

I love the film, the scenes in Paris, the black and white effects, the whole natural atmosphere. According to one of the people who worked in the production of the film, in an interview in the extras, Godard said he didn’t do films, he did cinema. i read i think on wikipedia that godard said 'bande a part' is an 'alice in wonderland' meeting Kafka. LOL. ironic and so true. perfect definition.

i watched the film alone, at home. nice and cozy in the cold night.
Thanks a lot for lending me the film, Diana.

the good fellow

30 may 2010

Nikki Puckney today gave me this nice thank you card for the time we shared the desk here at the office. she said i made her life so much easier by cooperation with her schedule to use the desk. i gave her the priority and thought this should be the right thing to do. she was here first and she was working on concluding her thesis. brave woman! i believe we two were respectful to each other and that is why we never had any problem. it is about trust, respect, and camaraderie.

the desk is only mine from now on and i can 'paint' it whatever colour i think fit. i'll see what i feel like doing in it. from the desk i see the window and have a little view of the outside world. it makes me feel good. yes, it is empowering to hold the key to the piece of 3-drawer filer. cheers!